


love me (the way i love you)

by oceanic (jangmun)



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, band au, donghun is kinda an asshole, ex-childhood friends, heavily implied, im so sorry, implied wowkwan, minor amounts of fluff, this got way out of hand, yuchan is the friend we all need in life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23694787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jangmun/pseuds/oceanic
Summary: A rival band au in which Junhee and Donghun have unresolved tragedies, and Yuchan has some overprotective anger issues. It's all a work in progress.
Relationships: Lee Donghun/Park Junhee | Jun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 39
Collections: to be a hero fest - a.c.e fic fest round 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> aaa okay okay so firstly i wanna say this is my first time really writing something so lengthy for a.c.e, as well as my first published fic for them. i'm both nervous yet incredibly excited like you have no idea.
> 
> secondly, i'd like to thank my friend for helping me to edit this. it'd gotten out of hand and i realized i was gonna need an extra set of eyes, and he offered to help me out, and i can't help but feel very grateful to him for helping me with this mess.
> 
> thirdly, past events are marked with a music note! to compromise with messy italic blocks of text and to avoid dreaded past tense, i went with this as the best alternative. just a heads up.
> 
> with this super long and winded intro over with, please read and enjoy!

In light of recent events Junhee would be better off staying inside. Isolated in his room perhaps, simply surrounded by crumpled music sheets and guitars that just ask to be played at least once in a while. But he figures the dust bunnies would strum the strings themselves, pedaling randomly as the wind threatens to blow them one way or the other. Junhee wouldn’t find an issue doing just this on any other day (sitting down in the center of his bed staring at the 3am mess of inspiration and regret), except for the glaringly obvious issue at hand: he has a band to take care of.

After a few failed attempts at making some kind of band— be it two people, three, or even an attempt at being alone— Junhee gave up. He didn’t give up on music, though. At one point he even considered just being a songwriter and leaving his talents for the guitar to serenade his future partner, or to play at parties when someone offers up their old untuned guitar passed down from their fathers. Maybe he could even be a fill in for a backup band for some singer, not getting the spotlight but still making an impact.

It wasn’t until he stumbled upon a newly opened cafe that Junhee’s dream to have a band sparked again. He met the shop owner that day too— a college graduate (major irrelevant) with a particular talent in making drinks and playing the drums (though Junhee only found out later). He learned through frequent visits that the owner’s name is Sehyoon, that he rather enjoys seeing him around often, and has snuck a glance at his journal a few times.

Sehyoon works with another person often, a college drop out who’s parents kicked him out. He ran into Sehyoon some years before the cafe became a vision of Sehyoon’s, and the pair worked on it together. Junhee gets his drinks from him a lot. He’d even learned that he studied in Canada for some undisclosed amount of time. With a dance background, he had a talent for creating rhythms off the top of his head, and while not the best, is a good singer. (He’s only improved since Junhee met him).

Torn between calling him Byeongkwan, or Kwan, or some other nickname, Junhee typically doesn’t refer to him as anything. At first he tried to settle in on something, but every time he decided to try something new, Byeongkwan would argue that he doesn’t like it, or that only Sehyoon could call him this or that— Junhee grew tired of the fight.

Once he learned about their interesting ties to music and hearing Byeongkwan singing to himself after hours at the cafe a number of times, Junhee decided to bring it up and he was surprised at the immediate response he’d gotten.

So three people wasn’t a bad start, and the amount of chemistry between the three of them after spending months of late closings together gave Junhee a new hope. They’d even started to rent out a small space to practice and Sehyoon managed to move his old drumset from his parents’ house to the space. Byeongkwan got extra vocal lessons (with Junhee’s advice). The songs they’d been practicing were nothing special, just covers of songs they liked.

Eventually the three found a problem with their current set up: they definitely needed a fourth member. Sehyoon agreed to set up advertisements in their cafe. Junhee was sure it would take them forever to find someone new— who else in their range of customers would be able to play the piano or be able to play the keyboard?

Sure enough, two weeks went by, and they found their fourth member. A kid younger than the rest of them, still in college and pretty new to the world. Junhee was surprised how adamant he’d been in joining them. They learned on the first night that Yuchan was a little more than completely bored with school, looking for something to do with his free time.

Listening to Yuchan play the piano in person was a blessing. The videos didn’t do his skill justice— didn’t give them a real chance to see what he was made of. Byeongkwan took a quick liking to Yuchan, insisting that he should join even if he just stood around. Sehyoon eventually got Byeongkwan to be quiet long enough to hear Yuchan play, and that was that.

It’s been a little over a year now. Junhee is still bringing his dream to life, with his three other band members. The four of them get occasional chances to play in small venues, but an audience of fifteen is still an audience. Byeongkwan’s singing is loved by everyone, and when Junhee joins him they get even more praise.

Yuchan’s recruited a college friend of his— Junyoung if Junhee remembers correctly— to help in planning out their schedules and anything else behind the scenes. Sehyoon’s (and extension Byeongkwan’s) cafe is doing amazingly in popularity and profit. Junhee’s side job of giving kids guitar lessons is enough to live off. He’s rather thankful it pays well. 

Yuchan would say Junhee has a bad habit of dwelling on the past. He’s a chronic worrier, constantly overthinking about the possibility of it all falling apart before him. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t have dreams about it a few times. When he thinks about it realistically, he knows there’s no way Sehyoon would make a big scene in his cafe just to kick Junhee out and disband them. Byeongkwan maybe, but Byeongkwan’s a little too whipped for Yuchan to give up easily.

The younger also knows of Junhee’s past. His failed band attempts, his past friendships, the one Junhee has been constantly warned not to name. Though Junhee breaks that rule a little too often. He can’t help it— Donghun is someone he’s known for pretty much his whole life. They even formed a duo of sorts together, where Junhee played the guitar while Donghun sang their songs. He has a beautiful voice, no one could deny him that. But one thing led to another, and Junhee and Donghun went separate ways.

Junhee wishes things ended up differently, but a larger part of him can only be thankful that he found people who care about him the way Sehyoon, Byeongkwan, and Yuchan do. So he sets aside his worries just for a bit, focusing on the present. Yuchan told him to, and Yuchan’s got a unique way of making people listen to him. 

He met Donghun when they were just kids— when Donghun’s family moved three doors down from his childhood home. As a way to get them used to the neighborhood, Junhee’s parents introduced the two almost as soon as they moved in, and the friendship was sealed there. Playdates were normal for them, Junhee’s parents have an album full of photos of the two of them getting into trouble, destroying shit or just being near each other.

When they were ten, Junhee’s dad helped make them a treehouse, and even if they used it less and less as they got older, Junhee remembers it vividly. The days him and Donghun would stay up there for hours, playing games, talking about anything, or just sleeping there. He didn’t realize it then, but Donghun was himself in that treehouse, where he wasn’t under the influence of his parents. He was a free thinker then.

Junhee started music when he was nine, and a year later Donghun had started too. They went to lessons together, learned a new way to view the world together, shared their love of music with each other. He didn’t realize it then, but Donghun had initially joined only because his parents wanted him to.

Growing up Junhee didn’t notice much, at least not until the two became teenagers. Donghun grew more distant, his parents stopped giving him permission to stay over, things grew quiet in the treehouse. Junhee noticed that when they weren’t at home Donghun’s confidence radiated around him. He learned to love playing the guitar and he got better at singing. He wasn’t shy and he carried himself in the room, leading the conversations when Junhee grew more introverted.

Donghun’s high notes used to sour in front of crowds and his guitar skills quivered at the pressure of even their family watching them. As they got older, his skills grew with his confidence, became more stable, less nervous. Cameras were just another pair of eyes, something that he was used to seeing, something that no longer bothered him. Approaching the end of highschool Donghun was playing for crowds of girls after class and smiling in a way Junhee hadn’t seen in years.

It was nothing short of beautiful. 

Yuchan knows most of this, most of the story. Junhee told him unintentionally one night, most of his words coming from a drunken and emotional state, and by the end of it all he’d finally sobered up. From there Yuchan could only give him advice, little things to try and move on. Junhee would have to thank him for that sometime, not that he hasn’t already thanked him a hundred times.

Today he can’t sit around at home, though. He shouldn’t even be thinking this hard, shouldn’t be laying in bed. His room is a mess of crumpled papers, guitars on display, and clothes that definitely needed to be washed. Still, Junhee doesn’t clean up.

He rushes to get out of bed, sifting through his pile of clothes until he finds a hoodie— hopefully clean— and shoves his legs into a pair of jeans. Sehyoon is going to kill him if he arrives late to their band meetings. Something about how a leader shouldn’t be late to his own band meetings, or however he worded it. Junhee can’t help it if he sleeps in longer than he wants. (Or thinks for longer than he wants to).

Come to think of it, he isn’t sure he remembers the last time he was late to a meeting because he overslept. The last few had been instances of sitting there, waiting for his alarms to go off, and even then refusing to get up. They don’t have to know that, though.

  
  
  


Sehyoon’s cafe had become their meetup spot in the past year. When it closed early on the weekends he’d started inviting the rest of them over, and the routine started. Junhee’s thankful, really. It’s a nice place to be, full of simple details that don’t suffocate the room, windows covered by sheer off-white curtains that flowed nicely in the wind to come, and contrasting wood and metal detailing that Junhee finds himself envious of from time to time.

Byeongkwan returns from the back room, apron removed for afterhours. He looks more relaxed without it, no need to keep up a friendly face with the others. Yuchan’s already flipping through his notebook with the other two, discussing venues and songs they should try. And when Junhee finally sits down Sehyoon offers him a drink that is cold when he first sips it. “Would’ve been warm had you actually come when Yuchan text you the _first_ time,” Sehyoon replies to his obviously disgusted face.

Yuchan looks up at Junhee, concentrated features softening to concern. “Have you even slept, Junhee? You look like shit.”

So maybe Yuchan knows. Then again, he knows everything. His last few nights have been an hour here and there, a few minutes whenever he gets the chance. Junhee knows it’s bad, but he’s gotta save face for the others looking at him in anticipation for an answer. He doesn’t even think it’s that important, tough Sehyoon and Byeongkwan seem to think otherwise. So he shakes his head into his cold coffee, cringing at the cold sugar until he decides it’s too much and sets it back down. “Have had a lot on my mind, I’ll catch up sometime.”

Yuchan scoffs. He knows that’s not true. “Anyways, I was looking for a venue for a show within next week, and I found something interesting.”

Any time Yuchan finds something interesting, Junhee’s heart drops to his stomach. The first interesting thing he’d found turned out to be a flop, as Byeongkwan put it. Junhee still remembers when they first checked out the place, and how quickly they left. So, in fear of something like that happening again, Junhee listens in silence.

Byeongkwan props his elbows on the countertop, hopping up until he can lean his chest on his forearms, giving him the advantage to look at Yuchan’s notebook. “What did you find?”

Sehyoon, protective as he is, holds Byeongkwan faintly, in case he’d need to help him back down. It’s something only Junhee notices. He’s sure Byeongkwan is so used to the gesture that he doesn’t even swat him away. That, or maybe Byeongkwan’s too tired to make a fuss. “Well, I found a bar just about ten minutes from here, they’re willing to host us for a few songs on Friday…”

“But?”

Junhee’s fear grows larger. Yuchan doesn’t answer immediately, instead grabbing his phone and unlocking it after a few unsuccessful attempts. He pulls up something, turning the screen for the others to see. Junhee leans in last, dodging Sehyoon enough to get a good look without bumping into him. “A competition?” Sehyoon asks. “Do we even have enough to qualify for a competition?”

Yuchan nods. “I haven’t asked Junyoung to look into it yet, but I think it’d be good for us.” He sets his phone down. “I mean, we have the keyboard, drums, a guitarist and a vocalist, why wouldn’t we count? Besides… I think it’s acoustic?”

Sehyoon settles back in his chair. “What’s the prize for first place.”

“I think they said some cash and a chance to record the winning song in a studio and have it released.”

Byeongkwan frowns. “That’s it?”

“That would be plenty for us!” Yuchan argues. “Besides, they said they’re in the process of getting a few representatives from record labels to come and watch. Plus the place is decently popular. We’d get new fans too.”

The other shrugs. “I still think the first place prize is kinda skimpy.”

Sehyoon finally chimes in. “You think everything is skimpy, you’re spoiled.”

Byeongkwan looks as if he’s ready to both fight Sehyoon, and cry. Kind of amusing, coming from Junhee’s outsider perspective. He chimes in before the two get into an argument over Byeongkwan’s obviously spoiled lifestyle. “I don’t see why we shouldn’t try.” The others look at Junhee, a mixture of shock on their faces coupled with the awkward silence makes him feel a little awkward. “What? As Yuchan said, the exposure would be good, even if we don’t win.”

Yuchan smiles. “See? Even Junhee agrees with me.”  
  
Byeongkwan rolls his eyes. “That’s just because he’s got a soft spot for you.” He pauses. “But I guess it wouldn’t exactly _hurt_ to try it.”

“Perfect! I’ll call Junyoung to help us out, but consider us signed up.”

  
  


♪

Junhee is relatively patient. He can sit around for hours waiting for something to happen, not getting bored or impatient in the slightest. When it comes to Donghun, however, his impatience grows by the minute. He knows Donghun’s class ended almost thirty minutes ago and maybe he shouldn’t know that but Donghun shared his times with Junhee first. He is only hoping they get to practice, even if it’s only for a short while.

Donghun has to return home for some family emergency. He hadn’t given Junhee the details, and Junhee’s mom doesn’t know either. Junhee hopes Donghun would tell him, maybe tonight after practice. They’re not going to see each other for a few weeks, and talking will be rare enough.

The whole band thing is harder than the two imagined. They were doing fine as just themselves, but Junhee suggested they try to expand, and Donghun agreed. Junhee has quite a few friends in his major that love music (he hoped everyone in his major loved music, at the very least), but nothing lasted longer than three weeks. Eventually Junhee settled for the two of them, after a rather long earful from Donghun that they should’ve just kept it to the two of them in the first place instead of wasting their time with people who didn’t care as much.

Junhee likes to think he’d be happy with the two of them. A lot of duets are popular, make good music, and sound great live. Donghun seems content in only having the two of them, too. He’d sacrifice his own dreams to see Donghun happy with their future. But, even he’s starting to think just the two of them is all they’ll need.

In reality, it felt more like just Junhee. Donghun skips practices more often than not, giving excuse after excuse about studying or family or other friends. Junhee knows he’s angry out of jealousy, he isn’t that dense. He also knows Donghun’s been distancing from him for a few years now, after instance after instance Junhee proved himself to have different feelings towards their relationship. At least Donghun is considerate enough to leave his opinions away from Junhee, to avoid insulting him (even if it’s accidentally).

Junhee checks his phone again, though it only makes him more angry. Donghun usually sends a text, or something at the least. Silence just makes Junhee feel worse. He’d rather Donghun tell him he wants to cancel, instead of making him anticipate the possibility that they would actually do something.

Donghun arrives some five minutes later, though Junhee isn’t looking at his phone to know the exact time. Junhee smiles despite the slight pain in his chest, receiving an unamused glance. It’s somehow worse than his blank expression. “What are you doing here?”

The question throws Junhee off balance. He’s afraid of falling into the water, but if he’s quick enough he’ll regain his balance. “Well, I was hoping we’d get some practice today.”

Donghun only looks at him, sharing with him an expression that Junhee can’t read. He doesn’t pride himself in being able to read Donghun’s emotions, but he’s gotten pretty good at it, he’d say. However, for the second time ever he can’t understand what Donghun is thinking. The added silence and lack of conversation only adds to Junhee’s confusion.

So maybe he messed up a little bit a few days. Junhee knows he shouldn’t have lashed out. Definitely not in front of their small circle of friends, either. He couldn’t help it though— Donghun was being a complete asshole. Where Junhee was just hoping for some general support, Donghun had to bring up things that didn’t need to be said.

Junhee knows he shouldn’t blame himself, that Donghun is the reason the fight even occurred. Donghun is the one who yelled at him first, and childish as it sounds, Junhee yelled back. They went home angry at each other that night— or at least Junhee did— and the next day they didn’t even talk.

He’s just trying to bring things back to normal, to before that day in highschool. Junhee regrets ever telling Donghun how he felt, but it’s in the open now, he can’t take the words back even if he tried.

“If you don’t want to that’s fine… just give me an answer instead of staring at me.”

Donghun breaks from his stare momentarily, but not because of Junhee. No, his phone rings instead. He types away for something, probably a text message. Junhee’s impatience turns into frustration. “You know, I was just hoping we could spend a night together before you head home for break.” Junhee sighs. “Why are you still even standing here if you wanna say no that badly?”

“Why are you assuming how I feel?”

The second time that night Junhee feels off balance. Only this time his body is too far off balance, falling into the water. Junhee doesn’t like the water, doesn’t like the feeling of drowning. “You’re just standing there, refusing to answer me, what am I supposed to assume? That you’re excited to see me?”

Donghun groans. “I’m leaving. I can’t practice tonight, I don't have the time.”

“Are we gonna talk at all while you’re home?”

Donghun turns his back to Junhee, and the next moment he’s walking away, slipping in his earbuds. Junhee’s question is left unanswered. He finds it hard to breathe, but he forces his lungs to take in any air around him and function properly.

—

The cafe is a weird mix of busy and uninteresting. Junhee is spending the whole day in his reserved spot at the corner of the cafe, just in sight of Sehyoon but far enough from the other customers to not appear too out of place. He even greets a few of the regulars that walk in, who return a hello in fake surprise, considering they see him there pretty much every time they walk in.

His laptop is open on the table, split screened on a YouTube video and researching the place Yuchan told them about two days ago. Junyoung’s been busy with school so his response is slower than usual. Junhee doesn’t mind, it gives him an excuse to snoop around and do his own digging.

He first finds a page he assumes is run by the owner. It has decent activity, nothing too extreme. Junhee sees reposts of bands he assumes are in the competition, a mix of sizes of band. The information of the competition itself is buried amongst the reposts, set for the first week of June, only a short month and a half away.

It excites him as well as makes him anxious. A short time away is harder to get a good amount of practice in but there’s less anticipation and wait time, less anxiety. Junhee isn’t sure if the cons outweigh the pros; maybe Yuchan could give him insight.

The cafe slows down faster than he finishes doing his own research. When he looks up again the place is empty and Byeongkwan is turning the closed sign for the night. Sehyoon’s wiping off the bar and just about any surface his busy body can get to, while the other switches to sweeping and mopping the tile flooring. They’re supposed to have some type of meeting today.

Yuchan steps through the door almost on cue, followed shortly after by Junyoung, who greets Junhee on the spot. “Sorry it’s taken me longer to see you guys, I got really busy.”

Sehyoon shrugs it off, telling him that it’s fine to be late or absent at times (Junhee does it all the time). Junhee doesn’t even argue because it’s true, which only aids in making him feel guilty. He should be a better leader, but some days he doesn’t even want to move.

Byeongkwan finished setting the chairs up and walks over to sit with Sehyoon at Junhee’s corner. Yuchan sits next to Junhee, nosily glancing at his laptop. “You still haven’t changed this background picture, have you?”

Come to think of it, Junhee didn’t exactly remember what it was. Sure he sees it everyday, that doesn’t mean he pays attention enough. With Yuchan pointing it out, Junhee takes a look— a familiar face sparks a lot of memories.

Yuchan shakes his head, taking the laptop from Junhee momentarily to change it for him. Junhee doesn’t interject. “Well while Yuchan is doing that… I got you guys signed up for the competition, and got a little bit more information.”

“Which is?”

“A total of ten bands will compete, and the top three get some kind of prize from the people hosting, and a few record companies have agreed to send reps there to check it out.” Junyoung pulls out a couple sheets of paper. “This is the list of people coming, and below it are the names of the bands officially signed up.”

Junhee glances over it, intrigued but more distracted by whatever the hell Yuchan is doing to his laptop. When he looks over, he realizes the other is changing the background for him, and deleting some of his screenshots. He doesn’t bother in stopping him. “Wait, so there’s a chance we could get picked up?” Byeongkwan asks.

“You did something similar when you were a dancer; it’s kind of like scouting.”

Byeongkwan nods. Sehyoon’s arm slips around him protectively, something only Junhee notices. “Done!”

All attention turns to Yuchan, who flushes in embarrassment. “I mean… I changed your background, and cleaned up your desktop a bit.”

He hands the laptop back to Junhee. The background is no longer in the past, replaced with a picture of the five of them— the first performance they had together that wasn’t a cover. Junhee remembers it well, because Byeongkwan had been sick during the performance and still stole the hearts of the audience. Yuchan rests his chin on Junhee’s shoulder. “Do you like it?”

Junhee smiles, softly and only because he’s around them. “I love it, Yuchan.”

If he’s crying no one says anything, returning focus to the competition. He’ll have to thank Yuchan again when it’s just the two of them. Junhee almost wonders if he’ll be in debt of thanking the younger until they die. He doesn’t mind, though.

  
  


♪

If Junhee knew dinner with Donghun would prove to be this difficult, he probably wouldn’t have bothered with it at all. It had been only a little over two weeks since their argument, he figured Donghun would not be upset at him anymore. However it’s clear that isn’t the case. Instead, dinner starts out rough from the beginning. After three missed calls Donghun finally answers Junhee, and only after an extended five minutes of Junhee whining does he even agree to it in the first place, so Junhee agrees to pick him up and it was set.

Only when Junhee got to Donghun’s apartment did he realize Donghun isn’t gonna be on time. He texts him to tell him he’s there, and sits in his car listening to the radio. Junhee glances occasionally at the door, waiting for his friend. Friend? Junhee isn’t even sure what they are to each other.

Donghun finally gets into the car, startling Junhee from the radio. His face is shadowed and his figure just seems small. Junhee wants to ask, though he’s not sure if asking is such a good thing in the delicate atmosphere. Instead Junhee pulls away and starts driving. It isn’t until Dognhun turns down the radio. “Are we having the usual?”

Junhee grips the steering wheel tighter. “Do you want anything else?”

Donghun shrugs. “No.”

He’s getting nowhere tonight, Junhee can tell. “I was talking to my mom when you got there.”

“What did she want?”

“Just talk.”

Junhee sighs. The last few minutes of the drive to the restaurant are just the same as the first few minutes. Donghun gets out after Junhee parks the car, taking the lead in getting inside. He follows behind, only after determining that he didn’t lock his keys in the car (which is he prone to doing).

Getting a table is easy since it’s practically after dinner time— the perfect time in Junhee’s opinion. Junhee offers up beer, but Donghun refuses, opting for just water. Donghun isn’t the one to turn beer down so quickly, so Junhee asks. “I’m not gonna get drunk to forget things.”

In reality, Junhee knows what he means. Their dumb little argument, Junhee’s sexuality in question. His feelings for Donghun are as far out of the question as possible. So water Donghun gets while Junhee drinks his alcohol in unfounded peace.

They order their usual meals and eat in awkward silence. Junhee doesn’t want to ask him if something’s wrong, doesn’t want to bother the fragility of the moment. He worked hard to just get them sitting in the same room, eating from the same table. He doesn’t want to ruin it.

He wants to break the ice. The only way he knows how is to talk about music. Junhee is almost certain Donghun is tired of hearing music from him, but he takes the risk anyway. “I’ve started working on a new song…” He taps his fingers on the table, waits for a social cue. Donghun looks up at him— he’ll take it. “I was wondering if you wanted to look at it with me? Maybe work on it some more?”

It’s a shot in the dark, really. Donghun is unreadable just as he has been the past few weeks. The ice doesn’t melt. Instead it gets thicker. Junhee looks for social cues again, studying Donghun’s actions. His hand stops where it was previously stirring the ice in his cup. The straw remains partially suspended in the pile. Donghun’s stare is what makes Junhee even more unsettled.

So Junhee messed up. He shouldn’t have gotten involved in Donghun’s family drama. He shouldn’t have jumped in to defend either of them— but he wasn’t going to stand for it either. Donghun might not have stood up for himself if Junhee hadn’t, though.

Junhee didn’t expect to see his best friend follow the same mindset as them. He didn’t know he’d hear the same words from him too. He sighs, bringing Donghun back to his senses. “I think I’m busy for a few weeks.”

So the words hurt a little more than Junhee expected, cut a little deeper than he wanted. Junhee tries to not look hurt, tries not to cry into his food. Dinner finishes silently, no other words are exchanged. Donghun’s attention turns to his phone, something that isn’t Junhee or the glaring issue currently at hand.

Shitty excuse. Junhee knows he’s lying straight through his teeth, knows Donghun has nothing planned. It’s not because he wishes he had time for him, it’s because he knows Donghun has the time, he doesn’t want to waste it. Junhee can’t find it in himself to blame Donghun, though.

The worst part about it all is how unaware of everything Junhee seems to be. Nothing feels normal anymore, yet Donghun is as normal as he usually is. Life is moving for him, where Junhee feels stuck entirely in one place, some time in the past. Before he and Donghun drifted, somewhere between then and after he confessed.

The check comes and Junhee doesn’t hesitate to pay for it, knowing better than to ask Donghun to split it. When Junhee gets up to leave, he realizes how zoned out Donghun is. “Donghun…”

He snaps out of it quickly. 

“We’d better get home.”

No need to tell Junhee again. And they do just that— Junhee drives to Donghun’s house in the same silence as driving to the restaurant, only worse because Donghun insisted on turning the music off this time. He isn’t sure why, maybe scared of some novel scene where it only plays break up songs or something. Honestly Junhee can’t blame him if he is, that’s the worst thing that could happen at this point.

He knows Donghun wouldn’t laugh off the music or make some light hearted joke. Junhee prefers the lack of the radio for that reason alone, and being the driver makes it seem like less time anyways. Donghun’s house comes before he knows it, a quick goodbye and thanks is mumbled and the door shuts.

Junhee doesn’t even bother with the music on his way to his own place, too distracted from the lack of conversation. He was hoping to get some answers, maybe some better reasoning than the parents excuse. 

His apartment feels lonely as ever, too big for just him and filled with the moonlight pooling in from the open windows that he’s forgotten to shut. In reality he can barely afford the place, but he’s too stubborn to admit it and even more stubborn to let the place grow. Too big it might be, Junhee’s grown used to it.

—

One of the guidelines to the competition is that the song be acoustic, as they don’t have a full set up available. Of course they can work around it, it isn’t the biggest deal. Though it means Sehyoon, who had already been practicing hard enough to learn his drumset, has to learn something a bit differently. Byeongkwan seems oddly amused, too distracted by Sehyoon’s spontaneous fits of frustration to actually focus on singing. Junhee finds it amusing too, Sehyoon is usually good at hiding his temper.

Yuchan is doing fine on his own, nothing to worry about with him. Their biggest concern is picking a song. On one hand a cover would be easier to do— Junhee wonders if they should’ve picked that option instead. But they’re an ambition group of men, taking the easy way out simply isn’t an option. Of course that meant Junhee’s lack of sleep only worsened for a while as he perfected one of their older songs. 

It’s fine. He’s worked on a week's worth of no sleep before. Usually the lack of sleep prompts continuous complaints from Yuchan that he’s not taking care of himself. The lectures are all too familiar to Junhee. At least right now Yuchan is understanding (somewhat) and isn’t nagging him. Junhee gives himself a few more days before he returns to his normal self, though.

“What if we go to the place tonight, go and check it out?” Byeongkwan suggests, leaning over Sehyoon to catch Junhee’s attention.

“Why do you have to lean over me?” Sehyoon shoves the younger just enough to get him to sit back on his legs. “He can hear you even if you’re not right next to him.”

Byeongkwan huffs, complaining about being pushed and even going as far as to stick his tongue out at Sehyoon before persisting on his question. “What do you say Junhee?”

Junhee, who previously had no intentions of doing anything of the sort, nods. He had been listening to him the entire time, so Sehyoon was right in telling him that he didn’t need to lean over. Though Junhee is certain there was more than one intention in his actions. “Actually that doesn’t seem like a horrible idea.”

“See? He agrees with me.”

“For once.”

“Sehyoon I will—”

Sehyoon only gives Byeongkwan a half smile. “You’ll what? Remember who pays you each week.”

Byeongkwan pouts. His retort is interrupted by Yuchan, however.

“That’s low.” Yuchan shakes his head, finally looking up from his phone to give Sehyoon one of his disappointment stares. Even if Junhee isn’t paying full attention, the stare is unmistakable to him. He’s been on the receiving end of it far too often. Yuchan continues with his scolding. “That’s so low of you, Sehyoon. Threatening the man’s money?”

“Exactly. Why don’t you listen to Yuchan— Ow!” When Junhee gives them his attention again, Byeongkwan is actually on the floor, legs still holding onto the couch but otherwise the rest of him is on the ground. Yuchan disguises a laugh in a cough, while Sehyoon doesn’t bother. “What was that for?”

“Just be quiet for a few minutes, won’t you?” Sehyoon shakes his head. “Are we sure that it’s a good idea to go? I mean what if other competitors are there too?”

“Then we can check them out too.” Byeongkwan stands himself up now, rubbing his lower back incessantly. “What could really go wrong?”

Yuchan sits up from laying on his stomach and Junhee’s heart sinks. He’s got a sneaking feeling that Yuchan has something bad to say, something that could _actually_ go wrong. He braces himself and prepares for the worst. Maybe he isn’t prepared enough. “What could go wrong? Well a late competitor joined the other day. I don’t know the band that well, I just know one of the members.” He pulls up a photo on his phone, showing the rest of them. “Their bassist is Lee Donghun.”

Junhee doesn’t realize his hands balled into fists until a moment later, when he feels his nails digging into the skin of his palm. It’s too late to drop the competition now, and even Yuchan would hate to hear it, a part of Junhee is happy to hear the news. “That doesn’t mean he’s gonna be at the place when we go and visit it.” Byeongkwan looks between Junhee and Yuchan. “We shouldn’t worry about that right, just a slim chance?”

“Slim chance my ass.” The whole team is startled by Yuchan’s attitude. “People who’ve encountered them before say they’re known to camp locations they have performed in or plan to perform in. It’s likely they’re already camping the venue.”

“That band?”

“They’re known to intimidate people to leave their so-called ‘territory’ alone. To be honest I’m not sure why they take it so seriously.” Yuchan sighs in almost defeat. “I was banking that they wouldn’t join, but it seems we’re screwed.”

Sehyoon leans back on the couch. “But we shouldn’t let it stop us, you know? Why should we be intimidated by people who take things too seriously?”

Junhee shouldn’t be as upset to hear this. After all it’s just Lee Donghun, it’s just an old friend. Why should Junhee care that his new band sounds like horrible people? Why should it matter to him if Lee Donghun got himself involved with bad people?

“We can still go.”When Yuchan asks if he’s sure, he reassures them. “I’ll be fine.”

Junhee wonders if they will see Donghun there. He wonders what Donghun is like now, if he’s the same or different as before. Maybe Donghun’s changed to be like the crowd he hangs out with. He decides before it’s too late to not dwell on the possibilities of his childhood friend being a complete stranger to him. It’s not even certain that they will meet, not even certain that they will talk.

Junhee isn’t sure how he’d talk to Donghun, anyways. Maybe it would be better if they didn’t talk.

  
  
  


Turns out, Sehyoon shouldn’t be allowed behind the wheel. Even with a GPS to help him, he still manages to get them all lost (does not include Byeongkwan’s distractions of being obsessed with the pretty lights surrounding them on their drive) and it takes double the estimated time to get to the place.

Byeongkwan seems satisfied in himself and his success in distracting Sehyoon. Yuchan is irritated though not entirely upset. “We should just get this done with, you know? No reason to drag it out.” He hops out of the car first, walking in ahead of the others.

Junhee follows behind, mostly because he doesn’t want to walk in last or alone. He quickly catches up with Yuchan. The place isn’t entirely packed, nicely lit. There’s an indoor stage that seems nice in size, nothing too cramped, but it has a “Under Renovation” sign attached to it. He wonders how much better it could get.

Yuchan pulls him straight to the outdoor section, where a larger stage is present, with outdoor dining tables and outdoor lighting hanging from the awning. It’s even better in person than in the photos. “Woah, this place is bigger than I expected.”

Byeongkwan and Sehyoon have caught up now, Sehyoon’s hand held onto Byeongkwan’s waist, probably protectively. “It’s nice, actually. This outdoor area is really good for us, can fit a lot of people.”

Junhee’s itching to make sure no one else is around. Hearing what Yuchan said and how he described one group in their competition, he’s cautious to make sure he doesn’t see them. He isn’t sure what they’re provoked by— eye contact could be enough to set them off. Sure it sounds irrational and hell maybe it is, but Junhee would like to avoid them at all costs.

Sehyoon and Byeongkwan are preoccupied with trying out the food, while Yuchan sticks close to Junhee for the time being. He doesn’t mind actually, sitting down and eating might be a nice experience. It’s a new place they haven’t tried yet and the other two are always interested in finding new places to have dinner at. (Try and ask them and they will insist they don’t have date nights, just friendly outings.)

Junhee lets Sehyoon pick his meal (probably a mistake) and instead focuses on playing a little game with Yuchan while they wait for food. It’s a game they’ll play sometimes where they guess what other people are talking about. They make little scenarios in their head and reenact them— or if they wanna be realistic they’ll try to read lips. It usually ends in the two laughing because they invented some wild conversation, or their food is placed in front of them and they have no choice but to focus on eating. 

Yuchan nudges Junhee with his shoulder. “Those two over there, by the bar.” He looks over. “What do you think?”

Junhee studies them for a few moments, occasionally looking away to seem less creepy. “Hm…” The people in question are a pair of women, nicely dressed and sipping on their glasses. They aren’t talking a lot, but whenever they do, the two smile and giggle. “I bet… they’re talking about someone one of them just met.”

Yuchan shakes his head. “Totally not.”

“No?”

“They’re talking about cat videos.”

Junhee looks at Yuchan, puzzled. Yuchan seems so completely certain— and the point of the game is to never find out what is actually being discussed. “Yes. Look, she’s showing the other one a video.”

Sure enough, one of them turns their phone to the other, even leaning over to watch with her. “That doesn’t mean it’s a cat video.”

“Well… _no_ , but that’s what I’m saying it is.”

Junhee shakes his head. “I bet it’s a trailer for a new show.”

Yuchan hums. Their food actually arrives sooner than they thought, their game ending after only two rounds. Byeongkwan is as excited as ever, itching to try anything he can get his hands on. Sehyoon even warns him that it’ll be hot but Byeongkwan doesn’t listen, complaining that he burned the roof of his mouth moments later.

Yuchan waits for a few moments, taking pictures of the food as always, and even bringing out his polaroid camera. Save the few embarrassing glances because of the flash, Yuchan manages to get two good pictures out of it before he puts it away. Dinner actually tastes pretty good, something different from what they’ve eaten before.

Sehyoons finds that Byeongkwan likes to steal from his plate a little bit more than usual this time around. It’s rude to mention it, so none of them point it out and let Byeongkwan be. If Junhee is honest he isn’t sure the exact reason why Byeongkwan hates bringing up his stranger behaviors, just something to do with the people in his past. Sehyoon is used to it anyways, and Junhee has had his fair share of food taken from him too, so it isn’t the most unusual.

Dinner ends with no complaints from either party, and the bill is split between Yuchan and Junhee, since Yuchan insisted Junhee shouldn’t pay alone. The other two head to the car first, while Yuchan pays (with their split cash) and Junhee heads off to the bathroom. He fully intends on only using the bathroom and washing his hands, but in the middle of washing his hands someone else opens the door.

Lee Donghun.

Junhee’s heart drops to his stomach, churning it and making him nauseous. He doesn’t dare to speak first, too afraid that by speaking to _the_ Lee Donghun he would somehow lose all of the development he had been doing over the past year and a half. He so wants to brush past him and get to the car before the others worry about him, but he’s a little too afraid of moving at the moment.

Unfortunately, Donghun is too distracted by seeing Junhee to actually do his business and leave. Instead, he seems more intrigued to start a conversation. “I saw you with your friends earlier.”

“What do you want?” The voice that comes out of Junhee is most certainly not his own.

“Are you guys in the competition too?” Donghun seems strangely small. This person he’s talking to doesn’t exactly feel like his old friend. Sure they look the same, have the same voice, but something’s completely off about him. “You know you’ll lose, right?”

The statement alone fires something up inside Junhee. “If you’re just gonna tell me that my band is gonna lose, then I don’t want to hear it.” Junhee shoves past Donghun, who grabs his arm.

“I wish you luck.” He smiles, the same smile that once made Junhee’s heart flutter now only pisses him off.

Junhee leaves without another word, climbing into the car silently. He leans his head against Yuchan’s shoulder, falling asleep faster than he intended to.

  
  


♪

Donghun sits down on the railing of the bridge beside Junhee. Their feet fall off the edge, suspended above the water below them. Junhee’s throwing small rocks into the river, humming some tune that he doesn’t quite remember the origin of. Donghun throws rocks with him, taking in the serene atmosphere. They can enjoy themselves while it lasts, waiting for the sunset while watching the sun, knowing that when it falls behind the horizon finally, resting behind the trees, Donghun will need to head home, and their little peace will be lost.

Junhee doesn’t mind it if it just means he can be himself with his friend, even just for a little while. High school is almost over for them and college seems just as scary, but for now the world can just be the two of them, where the world slows down and they don’t have to be scared of the future.

“So why did you ask to come here?” Donghun asks.

Well, Junhee knows their treehouse is off limits, and he wouldn’t even dare to try Donghun’s home. Here they can talk and be alone for a few sacred minutes and talk without the fear of judgement. “Just needed some time away from family, home…” He pauses. “School.”

“Don’t tell me you’re worried about finals.” Donghun looks at him in disbelief. “There’s no way _the_ Park Junhee is worried about finals.”

Junhee throws a rock into the water, sighing. “It’s our last ones as highschoolers, I’m just… nervous, you know? Don’t wanna mess up now.”

“Your parents don’t even put pressure on you to get good grades and you still try your best.” Donghun pulls himself closer. “I worry about you sometimes.”

“I just wanna get into a good school.”

“If we go to the same school together they won’t care if you didn’t get straight A’s your whole highschool. Just look at me, I failed a class to spite my parents.”

Junhee scoffs. “And you got the worst lecture of your life.”

“Details, details— Look, Junhee, don’t stress out that much, okay?” Donghun smiles up at him. “Seriously. It’ll be fine.”

Deep down Junhee wants to believe him. He wants to believe Donghun is telling the truth, that everything will be fine. He’s certain it will, but at the same time he can’t help but think about the possibilities of it not being fine. He’s a persistent worrier, that much Donghun knows about him. “I’m scared.”

Junhee’s body startles when Donghun’s cold fingers touch the back of his hand. “I didn’t mean to ask, I’m sorry.”

“Aren’t you scared of your parents and failing now?”

“I’ll have you by my side, right?”

Junhee smiles. “Don’t doubt it for a second.”

The next moments happen quickly. In the matter of a second Junhee’s facing Donghun, who is only a few centimeters away from him. He thinks they kissed— he can sense Donghun’s lips on his own. It doesn’t last long, just long enough for Junhee to realize what’s happening and being unable to do anything about it. Donghun pulls away in the next second, pulling his hand away and turning his attention back to the sky. 

It’s oddly romantic, despite the awkward atmosphere that surrounds them entirely. In the moments it takes Junhee to process, Donghun is already looking away, already planning his next movements. His mind is somewhere else— Junhee can see it running a million miles a second. His heart is too, threatening to break his ribs open. (Sounds a little violent when he thinks about it, Junhee is still sure it’s the truth.)

It dawns on Junhee for a moment that he was just kissed by his best friend. He isn’t even sure if there are feelings attached— or rather— the _right_ emotions. Junhee’s heart is warm and fuzzy with emotions and hope that the feelings he has are returned. But something feels wrong. There’s an odd tension that Junhee can’t quite shake.

He doesn’t want to ruin the moment. One wrong move and everything could shatter around them. Junhee pulls himself together despite the possibilities. Donghun hasn’t moved either, almost frozen in time. It’s almost frightening how still he can sit.

Junhee wants to kiss Donghun, a proper one this time. But when he goes in for the motion, Donghun abruptly stands up. “I need to get home.”

Junhee isn’t the one who broke the atmosphere. Somehow he’s both relieved and upset. Donghun might have stood up, but he’s once again paralyzed where he stands. It looks like his feet had turned to concrete, solidifying him to the ground. His eyes don’t meet Junhee. _I need to get home._

He hadn’t even been paying attention to the sunset, but sure enough it’s fallen behind the horizon. The remaining minutes of sunlight are the minutes they need to spend getting Donghun home. Junhee can’t stop thinking, not enough needing to leave, too much about kissing his best friend.

He’s confused but he knows one thing for sure: he isn’t ready to be over kissing Donghun. Despite initiating it the first time, Donghun can’t even bring himself to look at Junhee, looking off and praying that Junhee wouldn’t try to bring it up again.

Yet he doesn’t stop Junhee when he takes the initiative. The second kiss isn’t a surprise to either of them. Both of them are inexperienced and clumsy— as far as Junhee knows it is both their first kiss, but maybe Donghun has more secrets than he’d like to share. Junhee notices that Donghun kisses him back, and even if the angle isn’t quite right, even if the feeling isn’t quite right, he doesn’t want to let go of the moment.

Donghun pulls away first again, stumbling and startled all the same. Junhee can only watch, refusing to speak because he isn’t sure what he could say. “I’m going to head home.”

“I’m sorry—”

“I’m not gay, Junhee.”

As much as Junhee would like to interrupt Donghun’s train of thought and weird conclusions to how he assumes Junhee would even say anything, he just nods. 

“Let’s just— not talk about this, okay? Forget it all happened.” Donghun mumbles it over a few times more, probably to convince himself instead. 

Junhee gets up off the railing, following Donghun off the bridge. He’d promise to meet a friend of his after he sent Donghun off, so they part ways after a rushed goodbye. Junhee is too distracted to really help his friend, and when he heads home he retreats to his room, alarmingly fast.

He skips dinner and goes straight for a shower. His family don’t bother to ask him, probably assuming it’s the stress of graduation. They don’t need to know that he and Donghun kissed, that Junhee _liked_ the kiss, that Junhee has liked Donghun for a while.

Maybe this would help him get over those feelings. Somehow he’s not sure it will, somehow he’s sure that he’ll think about it more than he wants to. Junhee is almost certain he won’t ever forget it when he dreams of it that night.

_I’m not gay, Junhee._

Oh, if only he knew how much worse it’d get.

—

Junhee wakes up with a horrible headache. It’s not even that he’d been drinking last night. That encounter with Donghun turned into Yuchan staying the night, Junhee crying while recapping the mini exchange, followed by a painful dream that he didn’t think was called for. 

Yuchan’s probably asleep in the living room, an unfortunately common set up. Junhee notices his room’s a bit more picked up than usual, the photos on the shelf are put away and out of sight now. He faintly remembers putting them up with Yuchan late last night. He swears he didn’t drink, he knows Yuchan wouldn’t have let him anyways.

He notices the bracelets are still in place on his desk. The small eighth note charms are visible to him from where he’s sitting up. He doesn’t exactly remember how he got a hold of the second one. He doesn’t recall it being handed back to him and he definitely didn’t ask for it back, why would he? Maybe it was and his memory is just shut.

Junhee finally swings his legs out of bed, head resting on one hand as he stumbles out of his room and into his living room, where Yuchan is still sound asleep, wrapped up in one of the blankets he pulled from the closet. 

Yuchan looks peaceful, to say the least, so Junhee tiptoes into the kitchen to get himself some meds and water. His stock of food is low at the moment, but he’s sure Yuchan will want him to go to the store today together, like they usually do. 

Yuchan stirs faster than Junhee expects, mumbling something about being tired and asking Junhee how he feels. It’s almost enough to make him forget exactly what happened last night and help him relax back into the real world. When Yuchan offers to go to the store, Junhee is thankful and even hands Yuchan a spare set of fresh clothes to change into.

Junhee is incredibly thankful for Yuchan. He’ll have to let the younger know. Maybe he already does. 


	2. Chapter 2

Competition comes quicker than Junhee expects. It seems that yesterday they’d only started their first set of practices but reality is it’s only in two days, and their practices have only gotten longer and more stressful. He tries to remind himself that it’s not entirely important to get first place, that it’s okay if they don’t win. A fire is lit under him because a certain Lee Donghun who doesn’t exactly seem like himself telling him that they don’t have a chance of getting first place and giving him a shitty good luck before they parted ways. When Sehyoon found out, he grew even more determined to get better, and practiced later than the rest of them. Byeongkwan has pulled Sehyoon away from practice a few times before, and has taken on longer hours just to make sure the cafe runs smoothly in Sehyoon’s more tired state. Junhee reminds them it’s not that big of a deal, but they all know it is. The chance to stand out— to make a name for themselves and possibly get signed to a label—is what fuels them to try so hard.

Junhee finds himself drinking more coffee today than normal; he’s more tired than normal too. His usual days at the cafe consist of only a drink or two, but he’s on his fourth in the five short hours he’s been there. Byeongkwan seems a little off too, but the entire cafe is busier than normal. Everything is just slightly off, either for the better or for the worse, and Junhee isn’t exactly sure if he likes the abnormality or not. Even in five hours he hasn’t come up with a solid opinion.

Byeongkwan closes the store on time, down to the last minute (because if Junhee had been counting seconds it would be creepy). He proceeds to throw all of his weight into a booth seat and sigh as dramatically as he can make it. Junhee can’t exactly blame him given the day— the past few days really. Outside the weather takes a turn for the worse too, downpouring on top of the building. It only takes Byeongkwan a few moments to realize the unfolding disaster, standing up from his previously laying position and running outside to move the outdoor furniture to the storage space. Junhee offers his help only to be shot down before he even finishes his question.

Sehyoon takes care of cleaning the interior meanwhile, leaving Junhee to feel completely useless as he decides to stay inside the safety of the cafe until the rain lets up a little. “Two days from now, huh?”

“Yeah, getting really excited actually.” Sehyoon turns to smile at Junhee. “How about yourself? Will you be okay seeing Donghun there for a whole day?”

“You’re starting to sound like Yuchan.”

Truth is, Junhee isn’t actually sure if he can handle it. The night where he ran into Donghun in the bathrooms proves that he isn’t exactly ready to deal with the baggage that is Lee Donghun. However, he can’t let his team down, and he doesn’t plan on letting the past get to him this time. Yuchan’s been at his apartment more frequently, helping him redecorate and trash old items. They even rummaged his closet and found a plethora of old things that no longer fit him, and after almost five minutes of arguing, Yuchan let him keep the hoodie he stole from his ex best friend (for keepsakes).

“Okay so chairs are in storage, umbrellas are folded, and I am soaking wet, so I’m going upstairs early.” Byeongkwan takes off his apron and tosses it to Sehyoon. “See you later Junhee, get home safe.”

Sehyoon grumbles about the apron, hanging it on the rack. “You should head out soon, I want to lock the doors.”

Junhee looks outside the window again, figuring that the rain let up just enough that he should have no issue at least getting into his car. Getting home shouldn’t be an issue either, assuming he doesn’t have to— _Ping!_

He groans, checking the message which is undoubtedly from Yuchan, asking to be picked up to come over again. So he assumes he’s making a detour to the younger’s house and sure enough he’s right. It’s not that far from the cafe, not that far out of his way. The weather is just inconvenient.

Yuchan comes out of his apartment building in a bright yellow hoodie and appropriately themed umbrella (the one Junhee bought him a few months ago— it has ducks on it), and rushes into the car quickly to avoid the rain as much as possible. “You are a pain in my ass.” Junhee glares at the younger, who shrugs it off like nothing. “This weather is inconvenient and you know I hate driving in the rain.”

“Let me drive.”

“I trust you behind the wheel less than I trust Sehyoon.” Junhee pulls away from his parking spot, shaking his head. “Why do you want to hang out?”

“Because for once I want to talk to you about Donghun.”

  
  
  


Junhee tosses Yuchan a towel and sits promptly on the couch. The younger spends a little too much time drying out his hair, clearly avoiding the subject that he insisted on talking to Junhee about. Their food sits on the coffee table cooling down after grabbing it from the shop on the way home, Yuchan insisting that they also get ice cream (which is now in the fridge).

“So, since you’re avoiding this subject, what’s up with Donghun?”

Yuchan gives Junhee a smile, the same polite one he gives when he’s ready to shoot down Byeongkwan’s near insane ideas. Junhee is never not scared of this kid before him, always worried that he’s got something to say, something that will just turn Junhee’s world upside down once again. Yuchan means the best though, Junhee is certain of it. So this Lee Donghun information is something Junhee needs to hear.

“I have a suspicion that his group isn’t going to stay the same for long.” Junhee shoots a look of confusion toward him, which prompts Yuchan to continue. “I might or might not have been… stalking the leader on his Twitter. Look he made it public, he was asking for me to stalk it!” Yuchan shakes his head. “Anyways, he’s talking about doing some member replacements after the competition.”

“And you think he means Donghun?”

Yuchan nods. “Definitely. He talks on multiple occasions about wanting a new guitar player, or rather needing one. Something about how their current one is too nice for their group image that they plan to have moving forward.”

“Assuming they win.” Junhee sighs. “So you’re telling me my gut feeling that Donghun got himself with the wrong people is true?”

“I could be wrong.” Yuchan picks up the plate of food, shoving a little more than a biteful in his mouth. Junhee hopes he’d chew before speaking, but Yuchan opts for covering his mouth instead. “You said Donghun seemed concerned about you, not really like he’s some bad ass who belongs with the rest of his group, right?”

“Well I only said that because I figured he was just trying to be nice to me to make me forgive him.”

Yuchan shakes his head, pointing to Junhee to eat his food. Once Junhee picks up his plate and starts eating, Yuchan continues. “I’m not saying any of this is true, I’m just guessing from what the leader has been saying, and your account of the encounter you had with him. I think we should just… keep an eye out for him?” Yuchan sighs. “I know I’m the one who told you to move on from the past, leave Donghun back there with it and now I’m telling you to look out for him. Hypocritical.”

_Hypocritical._

Junhee doesn’t say anything. He still needs to process the information, curious to how true it may be. He knows little about the group in question, little about how Donghun supposedly knows all of them. He spends the rest of dinner thinking over the new information, processing what he could do to help, what he should do to also protect himself. He tries to remind himself that Yuchan can only suspect this, that nothing is set in stone. But something about that night he met Donghun just tells him that Yuchan could be right after all.

Yuchan offers to throw away the remnants of dinner and wash off the plates for Junhee. He even takes their towels and hangs them up in the bathroom, returning sometime after to sit directly next to Junhee. “I just wanted to tell you.”

“Thank you, seriously.” Junhee gives Yuchan a brief hug. “Since you’re here, why don’t we continue watching our show?”

“You bet.”

  
  
  


Competition is tomorrow and to say the least, the entire team is a little more stressed and nervous than before. Junhee ran Yuchan and him late to their meeting with Sehyoon and Byeongkwan by waking up late, followed by forgetting his phone and having to detour back to get it. The cafe is closed for the day thankfully, and the sun has dried up most of the wet sidewalks.

Sehyoon messes up during practice a few times and Byeongkwan’s voice is shakier than normal. It’s almost evident that they need a break from practice, so Junhee offers to let them all off for the next hour to collect themselves and calm down. Thankfully none of them complain, and no one seems upset.

Yuchan approaches Junhee outside, sitting down on the concrete step beside him. “I think we’re all just stressed out about tomorrow.”

“I know.” Junhee leans his head on Yuchan. “I wish I could be a better leader, give them words of encouragement or just tell them that it’ll be okay… But I’m in the same spot you all are.”

Yuchan hums. “That is what makes you good.” He pats Junhee’s thigh. “Listen. I think we are all overthinking this.”

Junhee knows they’ve got it, knows that they’ll be fine and okay. He knows that Yuchan is right. But the nerves are still there regardless, and his blood is running cold each time he thinks about the competition. “By the way, have you thought about what to do with Donghun?”

He slept on the idea, ran through a few ideas in the morning. But nothing sounds reasonable or plausible without banking on the fact that Junhee would have to speak first, that he would have to initiate a conversation. He figures he blew that option out of the water after the bathroom incident. “Not sure yet, guess we’ll see when the time comes.”

“Hey, I think we’re good to practice some more.” Sehyoon jerks his head back to the practice room, where at the entrance stands Byeongkwan, looking less than amused but also less pissed off than before.

Yuchan and Junhee join the two in the practice room, where the remainder of their time goes well, and they split their separate ways that night. Junhee drops Yuchan off at Junyoung’s place, and he returns to his own apartment where he retreats to his room to work on some side projects of his.

In his freetime he calls his mother to make sure she is still attending, thankful to hear her say yes (despite the knowledge that she’s bringing the whole family too), and they hang up not long after. 

He falls asleep less nervous than before, less anxious than before.

  
  


Competition day arrives quickly. Sehyoon calls Junhee before his alarm goes off, telling him to hurry and get dressed. Junhee rushes into the outfit he’d meticulously planned out for weeks, fixing his hair in a ten minute rush compared to the usual fifteen. Byeongkwan insists on giving them all a little bit of makeup at the cafe, so Junhee washes his face minimally.

He picks up Junyoung and Yuchan on the way to the cafe, who are both equally excited to see what Byeongkwan has in store for all of them. Personally Junhee is the least excited, and he can’t imagine what Byeongkwan’s done with Sehyoon and his bleached hair. Maybe they took unnatural hair color to it and dyed it some bright green, or some kind of pink color. Or maybe Sehyoon got ahold of a brown color and redyed it in hopes of saving what is undoubtedly really dead hair.

Upon arriving at the cafe, Junhee isn’t surprised in the least to see Byeongkwan wearing tiny pigtails in his hair and Sehyoon’s sitting before him while Byeongkwan (lightly) beats his face with makeup. His hair, surprisingly, isn’t the stark yellow color from the bleach job a few days ago, but a nice, inviting to the eyes silver color. It compliments Sehyoon well. 

Junhee would never bleach his hair again, though he does sometimes imagine himself with something other than the boring dark brown it is now. He imagines silver for a moment, before dismissing the thought entirely on the basis that he would never be able to pull it off like Sehyoon does.

Byeongkwan holds Sehyoon’s chin with a single finger. He looks like a professional makeup artist with the array of tools and equipment on the bar counter. Even the way he positions Sehyoon for access to his eyelids and the way he does the application seem as if he has more knowledge than a couple dozen YouTube videos. It’s refreshing to see him doing something more than serving coffee at the cafe.

Junhee still has yet to see him dance. One day he will. Byeongkwan’s promised to show them at least once. Sehyoon boasts about being special. He’s the only one out of the four of them who’s seen Byeongkwan dance. _He’s absolutely mesmerizing,_ Sehyoon said.

 _I just think you’re in love with him,_ Junhee had said back. His point definitely still stands. Given the situation now, where Sehyoon is letting Byeongkwan do exactly as Byeongkwan wants to do, he’s certain Sehyoon’s just in love. Junhee can’t blame him. Byeongkwan is easily lovable, no one can deny him that.

Yuchan rushes over to watch, clearly the most excited out of all of them (except maybe Byeongkwan). Junhee takes a seat a bit further back while Junyoung runs through the schedule with all of them. Sehyoon complains the entire time about Byeongkwan distracting him with the insistence of looking way prettier than he normally does (his words). Junyoung explains that they are set to be the fourth to perform, which isn’t the first nor the last position, somewhere decently in the middle.

It’s comforting to not be the first, but Junhee would almost prefer to be closer to first. Get it over with and be able to sit back and enjoy the other people longer. His phone reminds him that he will meet his parents at the place and it only dawns on him now. His parents know Donghun, and would likely recognize him at the competition. 

Yuchan gets Byeongkwan’s treatment second, and Sehyoon joins Junhee to watch the two discuss Byeongkwan’s impressive set of makeup. Sehyoon looks good, more uniform than usual and his hair seems better kept. “He literally refused to let me say no, so here I am.”

“Don’t worry, you look good.”

Sehyoon rolls his eyes. “He made me put those pigtails in his hair because he couldn’t get them right on his own. Took me ten minutes.”

Junhee wonders why he spent so much time helping Byeongkwan to make the pigtails just right, but he doesn’t bother asking him. He knows the answer. Or at least, he’s pretty sure of the answer. Yuchan goes a lot faster than Sehyoon (and that was with whatever time Byeongkwan spent before they arrived). Junhee takes the place of Yuchan quickly, letting Byeongkwan work away.

It gives him a chance to think for a moment, to zone out of the real world. Competition nerves have settled in, though they only seem to be giving him more energy. Given his current lack of mobility, all the pent up energy travels into his leg, which bounces from its resting point on the rod near the bottom of the stool.

Byeongkwan doesn’t spend the same amount of time on him as he did Sehyoon, though longer than he spent on Yuchan, despite the two talking to each other nearly the whole time. Junhee can faintly hear Sehyoon talking with Byeongkwan, mumbling something about trying to not run late, that they should be early to look better.

Junhee can hear Byeongkwan argue back, something about how beauty and his talent can’t be rushed, that Sehyoon should stop distracting him so that he can get it done. But Junhee knows Sehyoon is only pretending. He knows Sehyoon likes makeup too, knows he has a similar fondness for it the way he has a fondness for coffee (and a certain Kim Byeongkwan, but he’ll never admit to that). 

“Done!” Byeongkwan sits back in his seat, smiling softly. “Thank you for entertaining me.”

“Okay well, can we hurry up?” Sehyoon’s annoyance sounds less annoyed than usual. Byeongkwan doesn’t even seem bothered, purposefully taking his time closing everything up and purposefully looking at Sehyoon as he does. 

Junhee takes the chance to check his phone one last time, telling his mom that they’re gonna be there soon and not to worry. At least this time Junyoung is driving, so they won’t get lost at Sehyoon’s road incompetence. Junhee gets the front seat while the others share the back, though Byeongkwan is seated in the middle with a preference to lean toward Sehyoon.

Getting to the venue Junhee isn’t sure how full he should expect the place to be. He gets out of the car first (in anticipation to see his family as long as he can before they’re rushed off to perform), while the others take their time, complaining about their nerves that Junhee also feels somewhere far inside of himself.

So, despite being very much early, Junhee isn’t surprised that the inside area is filled and people are trickling outside for some space, taking seats for themselves for when the show starts. He looks around for a minute, eyes landing on several of the band people— the way they’re settled on the outskirts and clumped together to avoid social interaction as much as possible. He doesn’t see Donghun. Or anyone in his band, for that matter. They’re probably late, or somewhere else outside of Junhee’s sight.

“Junhee!”

He turns around to his mom, startled by her hug for a moment until he finally hugs her back, the smile on his face almost impossible to hide. Junhee wraps his arms around her, just relieved to see her and his family to support him. It reminds him of Donghun, reminds him that his family was vastly different. He remembers the amount of nights the two had to sneak off just to get some practice in.

Strange considering Donghun’s parents pushed him to music in the first place, after seeing Junhee’s success. It only seemed natural that Donghun took a liking to music, and his parents only wanted to see him get good grades. So hobbies for Donghun became side projects and things he’d have to do behind his parents’ backs.

“You’re thinking a lot.” Junhee looks down at his mom. “Where’s the rest of your band? I’m excited to see them.”

They’ve met before, though it was in passing since Junhee and the others had somewhere to be that night. So he brushes aside his worries about Donghun and leads his mother outside, where the rest of the band are still chilling. She runs to Yuchan immediately, pulling him into a big hug and exclaiming about how much she’s missed seeing him.

His mom likes Yuchan the most. Probably just a smidge more than she likes Junhee, but he’s okay with that. Really, he can’t blame his mom for that anyways. She gets around to hugging the others, catching up with each of them and complimenting them. Junhee likes to think he’s finally found himself a proper family, somewhere he can feel safe.

Junhee’s attention turns to the car that pulls up, the anxiety that was once stuck somewhere in the back of his mind resurfacing and taking shelter in the pit of his stomach. He thinks he could throw up if he lets it fester any longer, but his mind is too distracted watching a certain Lee Donghun step out of the car. His eyes land on Junhee’s mom first, only slowly turning to notice Junhee.

Donghun brushes past him, and as much as Junhee wants to reach out and grab his arm, to try and talk to him, his body is frozen in place. His feet are stuck to the ground, arms locked at his sides. He watches Donghun follow the rest of his band mates into the venue. It takes the host announcing the start of the competition to release Junhee from his trapped state, and they file in quietly, Yuchan’s hand resting on his shoulder.

The entire competition comes as a blur. Before he knows it his band is on the stage, and he puts all his attention on them, all his attention and performs their song just as they’d been practicing, not missing a single beat. He immerses himself in the way Byeongkwan sings, how he captures the audience and has them falling in love with him.

He glances over at Yuchan who is just as engrossed in the scene, and Sehyoon’s cute concentrated face, just as determined to do his best as all of them are. Junhee feels a little warmth grow to replace his festering anxiety, and once the performance is over, he even feels like they have a chance.

Junhee hugs and congratulates his band members on doing well, he remembers that. Byeongkwan pulls them into a remote corner where they can relax and watch the rest of the competition without being bothered by the others. Junhee doesn’t pay attention much, though he hears the music from everyone clearly. 

He pays attention when Donghun’s band arrives. They’re the last act of the night. (Saving the best for last?) Junhee doesn’t think the leader looks like a particularly bad person, neither does any of the band, really. Even though Donghun doesn’t exactly look like he fits, he blends in nicely. Junhee watches him, waiting for the same spark that he saw in Donghun when it was just the two of them.

Their entire performance begins and ends and not once in the two minutes they are on stage does Junhee see that spark. Not once does he see the Donghun he knew. The one on stage is unenthusiastic, going through the motions but not feeling the music. Junhee knows he can’t expect him to be the same. He isn’t even the same.

It doesn’t exactly come as a surprise to see Junhee’s band come in second, just three votes shy of taking first place from Donghun’s band. Instead of being upset about it, Junhee waits for the opportunity to talk to Donghun before the night ends. He checks on him occasionally, while in conversation with his mom (and dad, who arrived a little later) and band mates, waiting for Donghun to be alone just long enough. He finds his chance and excuses himself.

“Donghun?” Junhee offers a smile as the other turns around. “I just wanted to say congrats on winning.”

Thankfully their conversation isn’t just Donghun staring at him awkwardly. “Thanks. I uh… got a chance to watch you guys for a minute, you’re really good.”

“You think?”

Donghun chuckles. “Think? Junhee, you’re their _leader_ , of course you were really good.”

Junhee feels the heat in his cheeks even in the heat of the summer night. He rubs the back of his neck, too flustered to really come up with anything else to say besides “Thanks”. “Junhee, I’ve been meaning to tell you something.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m sorry.”

His world stops spinning for a second. The music in the background turns into nothing but noise, and it’s almost as though they’re the only two in the room. Junhee is sure if he takes a wrong step he would slip and fall. Donghun is so close to Junhee and yet he’s completely far away. Unreachable as they can be but somehow Junhee thinks that if he just reaches out far enough he could hold onto him.

A second passes and everything is normal again. The world is moving at its normal pace, as if nothing was wrong in the first place. “I know you've been waiting for me to say that for a while. I’m sorry for that, too.” Donghun shakes his head. “Can we stay in touch?”

So Junhee gives Donghun his number, and in all honesty this isn’t how he thought it would be. Yuchan’s worries come to the front again, but Junhee doesn’t want to ruin the fragile atmosphere by throwing a bunch of accusations. Instead, he congratulates Donghun again and excuses himself back to his band mates, and the night ends sometime after that. Junyoung will update them in the morning, when the alcohol wears off, when they’re more alert. 

When Junhee is more certain of real life from imagination.

  
  


♪

Junhee’s apartment feels less lonely when there are two bodies occupying the space. The couch feels less like an island when Donghun sits next to Junhee. Junhee is so tempted to just lean into Donghun, to rest his head on his shoulder as they watch tv together, forgetting about the world outside of the cold apartment. He’d like to think that everything is perfect, that in this moment it would be just the two of them, and no one else could be there to ruin the moment.

Junhee knows better than to lean against his friend. He knows better than to be too affectionate, scared that he might push Donghun away more than he already had. He’s afraid that Donghun is going to leave again, that he’s going to run away from something very obvious between the two of them. He’s tried for a few years now to keep his distance, to push all feelings aside for the sake of their friendship, to pray that the two can just stay like they are forever.

He hates it. He hates pretending to not feel something that feels super real to him, but losing his best friend would hurt more so he puts up with it. Donghun must sense something is wrong, because he sits up from his more relaxed position and glances down at Junhee. “Is something wrong?” He looks as if he knows the answer, as if asking was only a necessity to ask the question.

Junhee ponders on how to answer the question at hand. He wonders if Donghun is expecting Junhee to give him the answer right away, He thinks about it for a moment, before shaking his head. “No, everything’s fine.”

Donghun smiles almost as fake as Junhee’s answer, setting his phone on the table to turn his full attention to Junhee. “What’s wrong?” He shakes his head. “Don’t give me that ‘everything is fine’ bullshit, something’s bothering you.”

He sighs. Junhee almost feels like a child, watching his parents force him to talk about his problems. That _is_ the problem. Not his own parents, but Donghun’s. They know. They know what Junhee is, and he’s mad that they still have an influence over Donghun. He’s mad that they can control Donghun still, that they can tell Donghun how to think or feel or act. He’s mad that Donghun’s parents are pulling Donghun away from him for something he can’t help.

Junhee is mad that Donghun’s parents hate the idea of their son having a gay friend. They’d probably hate the idea of having a gay son more. Thankfully, they wouldn’t have to worry. Donghun’s made it clear that he has no intentions on being gay, not that it’d be his choice even if he wanted it. “I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?”

Junhee sits up, heart following with him in a way that winds him. He sighs. “I’m scared of losing you, Donghun.”

“Why would you lose me?”

“Because you still let your parents influence you! Donghun you’re not a teenager anymore, you don’t even live with them.” Junhee regrets what he’s saying, he regrets ever opening his mouth. “I’m scared that you’re going to hate me, too.”

Donghun doesn’t talk, not that he has to. It’s Junhee’s turn, but voicing his fears terrifies him. “So what if I’m gay, Donghun. Is that so wrong?”

“Of course not—”

“Then why are you treating me like it is?” Junhee sighs. “I mean, why have you been so distant since your parents found out?”

Donghun wouldn’t admit it at first. He would never want to seem like he can’t be an independent thinker. Junhee still remembers overhearing what Donghun’s parents said, how they knew something was _wrong_ with Junhee ever since the two were young. It tears Junhee up inside, but he’s not even sure why he needs to be validated by parents that aren’t even his own. He just wants his best friend to be there for him. That doesn’t feel the case.

The apartment feels too small now. They take up too much space, this argument takes up too much air. He’s not even sure if this is an argument, not even sure if there’s a reason for this. He looks at Donghun, searching for something in him that he recognizes. He finds nothing.

“I’m scared too, Junhee.” 

“Scared of what?” Junhee hates how sensitive he is, hates how quickly his emotions turn physical. The heat in his face turns into anger and his anger turns into sadness which falls from his eyes in a way to dispense his anger.

“Scared of losing you, of— of disappointing my parents.” Donghun sighs. “I know I don’t live with them anymore, but they’re still my parents, I’m still their son.”

“After all these years of hating how strict they were with you, and how they treated your interests and you’re still scared of disappointing them?”

“I didn’t grow up with your parents, I wasn’t as accepted as you were! My parents aren’t yours!” Donghun stands up, and Junhee watches the world around him shatter, pieces falling just in front of his eyes. “Junhee I’m not gay, and I don’t like you like that. I don’t want to, I don’t want to be like—”

“Like me?”

Junhee doesn’t even recognize his own voice. It sounds so small, so quiet. His hands feel wet now, he just wipes them on his knees. “You don’t want to be like me, right? Don’t want to be gay because you’re worried about disappointing your parents? You’d rather hide for your whole life?”

“That wasn’t what I said—”

“That’s what you meant.”

“I’m not gay, Junhee.”

He likes to think he doesn’t care. Junhee wants to think he didn’t push Donghun this far, wants to believe that he isn’t the center of their issues. Donghun doesn’t say anything else and Junhee hopes he doesn’t open his mouth again. Come to think of it, when has he ever understood his best friend? When have they ever seen eye to eye? Ever since Junhee told him he liked boys, ever since the time they kissed—Donghun started that one. Junhee is angry, upset, disappointed. Disappointed in himself, in Donghun.

His thoughts are running too fast for the short amount of time they’ve spent not talking. Donghun looks like he wants to say something, Junhee hopes he won’t. He’s not sure if he could take anything else from Donghun at the moment.

The silence thickens in the air. Junhee refuses to choke on it, refuses to look at his friend in the eye. “Donghun, I think you should leave.”

“Junhee—”

“Go home!” Junhee feels too small for the voice he suddenly has. “Seriously, Donghun, just go home! I get it, okay? I get that you’re tired of me being clingy, and needy.” Junhee finds himself on his feet, shoving his friend towards the door. “Just go home.”

Donghun doesn’t say anything else and Junhee’s actually thankful. Anything else and Junhee might’ve actually lost it. He shuts the door on his friends, shuts the door on his feelings. Everything hits him at once, losing the ability to contain his anger and sadness any longer. His throat is on fire, his chest heaving from the lack of air and being greedy and taking more than he should be allowed.

Junhee’s mind replays the events multiple times, each time a different phrase is emphasized, each time something else hits Junhee harder. He’s certain he just lost his best friend, and he’s certain that he should be okay with it but it doesn’t settle with him like he expected it to.

—

The cafe is busier now since the competition. Byeongkwan and Sehyoon had to hire a new waiter just to keep up with everyone, and Junhee’s favorite corner of the cafe has been compromised, though he doesn’t mind his new spot at the bar. Byeongkwan seems happy to see the new rise of people, probably enjoying his ability to make new friends easily.

Junyoung is still helping them with anything that doesn’t directly involve music. In fact, he was able to get them a small deal with a label that visited the competition, which allowed them to record a few of their songs and get them out to people. Junhee particularly enjoyed the studio, loved watching Sehyoon and Byeongkwan and Yuchan get all excited over the instruments and recording parts and singing. Junhee’s done it before, not that they exactly need to know that.

Junhee offered up a soundcloud deal a little while ago, and the others shared interest. So, at least they’re building an audience for a while. The label brought up the obvious issue: they need a bassist. Byeongkwan is too inexperienced to pick it up, so their only hope right now is finding a permanent member while they shuffle through temporary players.

He’ll admit he didn’t keep up with Donghun as much as he admits he wanted to. He’s been so busy dealing with everything else behind the scenes that he’s neglected to keep up. He knows his band had amazing success with their first prize, and Yuchan’s worries that Donghun would be replaced seem to have faded into the background.

Junhee still feels uneasy about things, though. Something is nagging at him, telling him that the inevitable is going to happen. He’s not sure if he’s ready for that, yet. So he focuses on the present, and sends Donghun a quick, _hope you’re doing well_ text, and pays more attention to the cafe.

Things slow down just shortly before it closes, giving Byeongkwan and Sehyoon a chance to breathe. It also reminds Junhee of his inevitable need to head back home at some time in the very near future. In the time it takes Byeongkwan to officially close the store and see the last customer out, Donghun replies to Junhee’s text.

_Hanging in there. Don’t stay up too late._

Okay, so maybe Donghun knows him decently well, despite the time apart. Though he only has himself to blame for that, he’s the one who texted Donghun at three in the morning on more than five occasions. He sends an _I won’t_ , and a heart for good measure, turning his phone off to pack up his things. “Alright, I’m going to head home.”

Sehyoon and Byeongkwan wave him off, and Junhee gets into his car. _Wanna call me when you get home?_ Junhee doesn’t hesitate to say yes, tossing his phone into his bag, tossing the bag into the passenger seat and driving home. Sure, maybe he forgave Donghun too quickly. But two weeks of texting, getting his own space, and approximately three hundred apologies later, he finds it hard to believe Donghun is a genuinely bad person.

He’s even learned that Donghun’s relationship with his parents only continued to fall apart after the two separated ways. They didn’t approve of his desire to continue music as more than a hobby, and Donghun even considered dropping out of college the last semester before graduation just to spite them. Though, that never happened. Junhee remembers seeing him at the graduation. 

Junhee also learned that Donghun isn’t the happiest with his group. He’s told him things Junhee wished he didn’t learn about complete strangers. Donghun is in some trouble, but he doesn’t know how to leave, doesn’t know where to go. Junhee isn’t sure if he’s ready to welcome him back so quickly, not so extremely.

But he doesn’t want to not support him either. Really, Junhee is stuck between things right now, and he doesn’t even want to hear what Yuchan would have to say. Okay, so part of his theory is true: Donghun’s band isn’t the best. But as of now, it doesn’t seem Donghun will be leaving them any time soon.

Junhee updates Donghun that he needs to take a shower but that he should expect him to call at any moment. His shower is quicker than any of his others, and getting dressed is only a few seconds. He dries his hair off with his towel a bit more, probably spending too long on making wet strands of hair lay nicely and look nicely. It isn’t that Donghun would care.

His anxiety causes his stomach to feel ten times heavier as he hits the call button on Donghun’s contact. He admits he might be a little whipped, taking one of the old selfies that he hadn’t deleted from his phone and making it his contact photo, but it makes him smile at least. “ _Hey._ ”

“Was there a reason you wanted me to call you?” Donghun has his camera turned on, though his room is dark and it’s hard to make out Donghun even with the phone lighting. He leans on his backboard, smiling. “Did you miss me?”

“ _Don’t flatter yourself, Junhee. I just wanted to talk._ ” Donghun smiles too. “ _Texting takes too much time._ ”

“Ah, well…” Junhee looks around. “The cafe was so busy today, more than ever.”

“ _Did you lose your normal space?_ ”

“Yeah, but it’s fine. I hadn’t had that place in so long.” In an effort to appear less awkward, Junhee ends up playing with his wet hair. “What have you been up to?”

“ _Just trying to figure out what to do. I need to find an apartment soon…_ ”

“Roommate situation not working out?”

“ _Something like that._ ” Donghun pauses. “ _Is there anything good and cheap in your city?_ ”

Junhee thinks for a moment, because why would Donghun assume Junhee is a real estate agent and knows the run of the city, and knows exactly where to find cheap for-rent apartments? He’d have to do his own research for that. Frankly, he isn’t sure if his own apartment building has any vacancies. “I’m not sure. I majored in music, in case you forgot.”

“ _I_ _didn’t forget._ ” Donghun laughs. He _actually_ laughs, and it reminds Junhee of the past. It reminds him of the days where they were too tired from studying, and they found the smallest of things funny because of the sleep deprivation, and Donghun would laugh the same way for several minutes at a time. Junhee tries to still his beating heart by taking deep breaths, simultaneously trying to keep it inconspicuous because he doesn’t want Donghun to ask. “ _Are you alright_?”

Well, Junhee tried his best. “Sorry, my heartbeat got really fast there for a moment. I’m fine.” He sits up more. “You know, I can ask around if anyone knows of a place you might be able to rent, if you really need it.”

“ _That would be perfect, Junhee. Thank you._ ”

The conversation turns into a random string of topics, small things like the cafe and the origin story of Junhee’s band, to how Donghun met his own mates. The time flies by; one moment Junhee looks at the clock it’s only a little past nine pm, the next it’s almost one in the morning. He doesn’t feel the slightest bit tired, but Donghun catches onto the time before Junhee can say anything.

“ _You should go to sleep now, Junhee._ ”

Junhee whines, but he knows he should sleep. There’s a lot going on tomorrow, mostly more practice with temporary bassists to find the right fit— a day of which Junhee would rather avoid at all costs. So he reluctantly says goodnight and waits for the call to end. He doesn’t know why his room feels so hot, but turning off his light doesn’t help. Falling asleep is just as hard as ever, only this time he’s thinking about a certain Lee Donghun and how he hopes this isn’t a dream, or if it is, he hopes he doesn’t wake up.

  
  


The bassist search is just as useless as the last four times. This time it’s Byeongkwan who complains during break, rather than Junhee. “I just… don’t like this. I could easily just learn the bass myself, why should we—“

“Just a few more for the day.” Sehyoon pats Byeongkwan on the back. “Maybe if we really can’t find someone to fit, they’ll let you learn.”

“It can’t be that hard, right Junhee?”

“Well considering you don’t have experience with guitars in any capacity, it should totally be easy.” Junhee rolls his eyes. “I hate this too, Byeongkwan. But I’m sure we’ll find someone eventually.”

Byeongkwan groans, leaning into Sehyoon. “Then can we call it for the day? It’s gonna rain here shortly.”

Yuchan is onboard with the idea, already packing up his stuff in anticipation that Junhee says yes. In all honesty. Junhee is just as ready for the day to be over, so he gives the okay and lets everyone pack up. Sehyoon leaves with Byeongkwan first, pulling the other closer. Junhee takes his time in packing, which Yuchan kindly waits for. “You’ve been in better spirits recently.”

It’s an observation that Junhee knows Yuchan’s carefully constructed. “Catching up with an old friend.”

“I know I can’t control you, especially because you’re older than me—“

“I’m being careful.”

For the first time Yuchan doesn’t return fire. In fact, he stills where he stands, mouth alternating between opening and closing for a few moments, until he decides on keeping it closed. He nods, slinging his bag onto his shoulder, mumbling about how he’ll be waiting by the car for Junhee. Guilt arises in Junhee, a definite mixture of shutting Yuchan down so quickly and snapping at him when all Yuchan probably wanted to do is make sure Junhee is okay. He grabs his bag and heads out, making sure to lock the door behind him.

The car ride to Yuchan’s apartment is silent and neither bother to initiate a conversation. Yuchan only says goodbye as he’s getting out of the car, waving Junhee off once he’s close enough to the door. Junhee hesitates before pulling off, though only long enough to see Yuchan disappear into the building, and he heads home.

He is hoping to get ahead of the rain and inside before it gets too bad, but he catches the beginning of the storm just about three minutes from his own apartment. Thankfully he isn’t too soaked by the time he closes the door of his apartment, bag completely dry from narrowly escaping the downpour.

Junhee’s always liked the rain. He isn’t sure why, just something about its many moods. Lighter showers give him inspiration to write music while the downpours keep him calm and help him fall asleep. Even as a little kid he’d been fascinated by thunderstorms and always heeded his parents warnings and played out in the rain until he got sick from the cold winds. He’d even managed to pull Donghun out with him a few times, despite his mother’s stricter rules. But kids will be kids she said, and Junhee can only assume he was scolded later, behind doors Junhee didn’t dare to open.

The downpour tonight reminds him of exactly those childhood memories. The noise of the larger raindrops hitting the windows, wind shaking the flimsy metal railings and shingles on the roof that should’ve been replaced years ago— everything reminds him of childhood. Junhee falls into a mindless rhythm of making himself dinner, sitting in the farthest corner of his couch, and looking at whatever shows he started but hasn’t finished until something satisfied him enough to continue watching. 

Mid-way through he changes into a sweatshirt because of the weather cooling down the air around him. He is only thankful for the cold, it gives him an excuse to wear the hoodie more often. So maybe he isn’t ready to outgrow the hoodie, which is still bigger than he is, still drowning him in fabric. Donghun isn’t even that much taller than him, really, but he makes up for it in muscles. It explains why the hoodie is so big on him, not that he minds.

The storm doesn’t seem to be letting up any time soon, and Junhee is just thankful that he doesn’t have to go anywhere, doesn’t have to get Yuchan from his apartment and drive out in the weather. He thinks about Donghun, though. _Can you help me find an apartment?_ Truthfully, Junhee had been looking, and even though he’s been doing his best research and even going against his own rule of _don’t help him_ , he managed to dig up a few listings that Donghun could afford.

He turns on his laptop to do some more mindless video watching, anything to pass the time until his body grows tired enough that he could fall asleep. It takes a lot, in all honesty. _You should see a doctor, they are there to help us after all._ Junhee hasn’t taken Donghun’s advice, mostly because going to the doctor would be admitting defeat and he isn’t ready to admit that defeat yet.

He gets bored of watching videos rather quickly, switching to listening to music while scrolling through Twitter until eventually he gets bored of that too. _You should find other hobbies. Have you ever thought about YouTube?_ Truth is, Junhee is tempted to take Donghun up on that idea. It doesn’t sound like something particularly difficult, and he doesn’t have to worry about money. (That’d be a bonus, though). He could even release covers and band practices to help boost their audience.

Junhee returns to YouTube to watch a few videos from someone Donghun recommended to him a while ago. _She’s just got a nice personality, you know?_ He wonders if Donghun has dated anyone in the time they were apart. He’s never thought to ask, he isn’t even sure it’s in his right to ask in the first place. He figures enough people around him are in relationships and he doesn’t need to learn about any more, even if they’re past relationships. Junhee, in the amount of time he’s been alive, hasn’t dated anyone. Even he isn’t sure why, really. Maybe he was waiting for Donghun to be there for him. Even after their big fight, even after Donghun declared his sexuality to Junhee (which might as well have been the whole world to him), Junhee probably thought that he’d maybe have a chance.

Junhee doesn’t consider himself an idealist. Sure he likes to fantasize about many things and come up with various dreamlike scenarios, but at the end of the day he is very aware that things never go to plan. That’s why he doesn’t stick to plans, either. Weird as it sounds, plans don’t work and fantasizing don’t work. At least not for Junhee. That’s how he wound up agreeing to the competition, how he wound up occasionally working for the cafe on the extremely busy days. It’s how he winds up answering the phone to his ex childhood best friend turned enemy turned friend (again.) Complicated, he knows.

“Donghun?” Junhee worries when there’s silence from the other end, so focused on trying to hear any sound at all that he jumps when Donghun does answer.

“ _Hey do you think you could pick me up? I-I know it’s raining… you don’t like driving in the rain but—_ “

“Where are you?” Screw driving in the rain. Junhee knows something’s up with Donghun, knows that this voice isn’t Donghun being the new-and-improved Donghun, but instead a scared version of himself now.

“ _Outside this bar. I-I’ll explain when you get here, I’ll text you the address. I’m sorry._ ”

Junhee is back in his car and driving off to the address Donghun gave him while keeping Donghun on call. He wonders what happened, hopes that this isn’t for nothing. When he arrives at the bar, he sees Donghun standing in the rain, getting soaking wet and as he drives closer, he can tell he’s shivering. The rain definitely chilled the air a lot, so it comes to no surprise that Donghun would be shivering.

He gets into the car not a moment after Junhee comes to a full stop, taking a deep breath at the warmth inside. He tosses his bag into the space below his feet, looking down at it. Junhee doesn’t start driving. “What’s going on?”

“I’m surprised you even picked me up…”

“Donghun please spare me the current self pity and tell me what the hell is going on?” Junhee groans. “You’re standing out in the rain, probably catching some kind of fucking cold after calling me and sounding so distressed. Donghun I shouldn’t have even come to pick you up, but I did because I care about you—“ Junhee takes a deep breath. “Just— Just tell me what the hell happened.”

“I was kicked out.” He sniffles. “I was… kicked out after we got into a fight.” Come to think of it, Junhee can see the bruises forming on his face, the blood crusting at the edge of his lip. “We were drinking, nothing out of the unusual actually. But something happened? I-I don’t really know, actually. One second we’re just drinking and having fun, and the next the leader says something about looking for a new bassist, and- and we just got into it.”

Donghun shakes his head. “They told me I wasn’t needed anymore, that they found someone new and wanted to make the replacement as soon as possible.”

“But how in the hell did you guys get into a fight?” Junhee grips the steering wheel tighter.

“When I asked for a reason why, something more than just wanting a replacement, the leader punched me. I think he drank too much.”

Judging from the blood on Donghun’s knuckles, Junhee’s certain he fought back. Junhee doesn’t know exactly how Yuchan is so good at knowing what is happening behind the scenes, but he predicted this. Junhee doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to react. He just knows Donghun needs him and Junhee is going to set aside the past to be there for him.

Junhee drives back to his apartment in a silent car ride, takes Donghun up to his apartment and tells him to sit in one of the chairs in the kitchen. He scours through his sorted closet to find anything of his that is big enough to fit Donghun, snatching one of his clean spare towels, and brings them back out to Donghun. “Change your clothes, I’m going to find my first aid kit.”

He doesn’t give Donghun a second glance, rummaging through his linen closet for the first aid kit Yuchan bought him a few months ago. It’s gently used, mostly just to treat his own clumsiness, so it should still have everything he needs. When he returns, Donghun is changed and drying his hair with the towel. “Let me see your face.”

Donghun stops moving to allow Junhee to gently wipe at the cuts on his face. Despite being gentle, Donghun still flinches and hisses from the sting of the alcohol, to which Junhee promptly tells him to stay still. Thankfully nothing seems to be super bad, except for the cut on his lip. He moves to Donghun’s knuckles, which have certainly seen better days. His hands aren’t as soft as Junhee remembers them being, but he tries to set the thought aside as he cleans off the rest of the blood.

“Thank you, Junhee.”

Junhee looks at Donghun again. A strangely intimate moment, where Junhee is only a few inches away from Donghun, the subtle blush from drinking making Donghun look all the more cuter, damp hair sticking out in various directions. He forces himself to look away, packing up the first aid kit and tossing the used things in the trash. “Do you want anything to eat?”

Donghun shakes his head. “I just want to sleep.”

“You should at least drink something. Maybe eat something small. For me?”

Donghun reluctantly accepts the offer of food (maybe it’s because Junhee asked for him to do it for him), drinking the entire glass of water and finishing the small plate of food. He’s finally moved from the kitchen to the living room, sitting on the couch where he did in the past, Junhee just opposite of him. It reminds him of just how it used to be. Strangely, they end up watching tv for a little bit, occasionally eating some chocolate Junhee dug out of one of his cabinets, while Donghun drinks more water to feel better. “I need to get my things from the apartment… I don’t know where to move to, though.”

So Junhee might be a spontaneous decision maker after all. “You can stay here for a little while.”

Donghun sits up, wide eyed. It startles Junhee a little bit, seeing Donghun so expressive. “Are you sure? I don’t want to… impede on your life.”

“Tell me why you joined those people.”

“I didn’t want to stop doing music. When we graduated I stopped for a while… I missed it.” Donghun stops leaning on his hands, fully sitting up now. “It took me a while but they found me playing a solo at some cheap bar and asked me to be their bassist. So I accepted. I didn’t really find out what kind of people they were until it was a little too late to leave.”

Junhee motions Donghun to sit closer. “Well, you can stay here for a while, until you get back on your feet. I’ll help you get your stuff from the apartment tomorrow.”

“You’ve always been kind, you know?”

“Too kind for my own good, as Yuchan puts it.”

Donghun tentatively rests his head on Junhee’s shoulder. Junhee doesn’t shrug him off, allowing him the chance to lay there, comfortably. “I was so scared you’d say no, you know.”

“I guess I haven’t changed, have I?”

“I’m sorry.” Junhee hums. “No seriously, I’m sorry. For everything. For tonight, for having to crash here, for ignoring you, for walking out on you, for—“

“It’s fine, stop apologizing.” Junhee sighs, grabbing the blanket from behind him, throwing it over Donghun. “I’ve already forgiven you.”

“You’re gay, Junhee.”

“I am.”

“I think I am too.”


	3. Chapter 3

  
  


♪

The summer after high school graduation Junhee and Donghun land their first performance outside of school talent shows or birthday parties. Donghun’s parents are in the forefront of the crowd, Junhee’s just next to them. Usually it’s something that doesn’t scare him, but given the last few weeks and the whole kiss-that-shall-not-be-named, Junhee is feeling more anxious than ever.

Donghun seems unbothered, or at the least he isn’t letting it affect him outwardly. Instead, he introduces their act with a confidence Junhee only sees in practice rooms and begins the song with an outpour of support from the crowd— unusual given there’s only about a hundred or so people watching them. Junhee joins along, voice only shaky until he closes his eyes and lets the world of touch and sound guide him. Ironic how the two changed, how Donghun is the extravert amongst the two, how Junhee retreats inside of himself when it comes to his music.

It takes a great deal of confidence to play in front of an audience. A confidence Junhee had to build in Donghun, and a confidence he’s losing touch of. Still, he doesn’t miss a note or a chord, listening to Donghun and backing him up as he usually does. Junhee doesn’t like singing, not that he can’t, he just doesn’t like it. Given that Donghun started his music interests from practically nothing, Junhee is surprised at how well he adapted to singing and playing at the same time.

Their one song show ends a little too soon in Junhee’s mind. One moment he’s shaking off the last bit of nerves before playing, the next Donghun is singing the last note and Junhee’s fingers strum the last chord and then the crowd is clapping. He opens his eyes, one at a time because he’s scared, startled when his friend hugs him in sheer excitement. Junhee shakes off the last effects of uneasiness and embraces the warm feeling of Donghun’s happiness.

It isn’t a moment later when they’re being asked for a second song, and Donghun looks to Junhee for help. He agrees to a second song, and by now all of Junhee’s nerves and insecurities are gone, if only for the song. It’s a classic, surprisingly the both of them decided on the same thing by sheer luck. Junhee remembers when he first taught Donghun how to play this song, up in their treehouse where the two could be themselves. Where Donghun’s parents didn’t rule the roof.

The song never gets old to them, no matter how many times they play it, no matter how many shy moments Junhee’s spent singing it to teach Donghun, or holding Donghun’s fingers while he learns the chords. It’s strangely intimate, sharing this song to the crowd of a hundred, even weirder knowing their parents are in the front row. Junhee doesn’t like to show it, but maybe he’s just a little bit in love with his best friend.

Playing the final note of the song feels so natural to Junhee, even if he doesn’t want to end it. Donghun smiles at him. It’s such a heartwarming smile that it feels as though they’re only two there, that no one else is watching despite the cheering crowd in front of them. Junhee’s heart flutters, butterflies in his stomach joining together with the way their wings beat softly but nauseating.

Getting off the stage is an adventure, Junhee too dizzy off the giddiness of performing with Donghun and shaky from the anxiety and adrenaline finally settling into his body. Donghun holds onto his side to help him ease back into the crowd as the next act takes their previous places. Junhee’s parents greet the two first, cheering them on and exclaiming about how happy they are to see them performing together. “You should sit down for a minute, Junhee. You look like you’re about to faint.”

Donghun rushes him over to the nearest seating, grabbing their water bottles and handing him one. “If you were this anxious why didn’t you say something? We didn’t have to play a second song,” Donghun says, though not frustrated or upset, concern laced heavily in his lecture. “You always do this.”

You always do this. Junhee is very much aware of this. Donghun looked so happy to be on the stage, however, and Junhee isn’t going to let his weirdly wired brain stop Donghun from his happiness. At least someone has to let Donghun embrace what keeps him motivated. “I’m fine, now. I wouldn’t have allowed a third song.”

“We sounded amazing, at least.”

“You always sound amazing, Donghun.’ Junhee doesn’t even realize he’s drank half of his water bottle until he looks down. “I’m just glad I didn’t stumble or mess up.”

Donghun laughs, maybe in a way to lighten the mood and comfort Junhee than in a way to make fun of him. “I saw you close your eyes. You do that to be less nervous, don’t you?”

“Is it obvious?”

“A little.”

Donghun rubs his back. It’s like they’re in their own little world, where Junhee could openly be next to his friend, enjoy his comfort, and not have the weird glances from the outside world ruining it. For a moment he can watch Donghun’s face soften, his actions delicate and light as though if he pressed too hard Junhee would break. Junhee isn’t fragile, or that’s what he thinks, but Donghun seems to know him better. So maybe Junhee is fragile after all, maybe he just doesn’t know it yet.

Their own little world comes crashing down when Donghun’s parents steal Donghun away to talk for a moment. Junhee knows what they’re saying to him: a backhanded compliment about how well he sounds and how nicely he plays the guitar, but he’s not a high school student anymore, he shouldn’t be playing with instruments. They’ll tell him that music should only be a hobby, that it’s not possible to make it with just music.

Junhee fiddles with the lid of his water bottle until Donghun returns to his side, closed off and recomposed. It’s a shame, how small those moments are, where Donghun is who he really wants to be. “What did they want?”

“Wanted to tell me our performance was good.” He sighs. “They also reminded me that this is only a hobby and once college starts I’ll need to work on that, instead.”

“They always say that.”

“Don’t do this, Junhee.”

“No. I know. Don’t criticize your parents because they just care about your future, and they just want to see you succeed and be successful. They think my career choice is a horrible one.” Junhee stands up, bracing himself on the back of his chair as the blood rushes back through him. “It was fun, performing for more people. I should go head to dinner with my parents.”

“Show me that new apartment of yours sometime, Junhee.” Donghun lets him go after that, thankfully. Their little arguments shouldn’t really last longer than the moment they happen, somehow Donghun has a way of making them last forever. Junhee is already tired of them, but he has a feeling they’re only going to get worse. 

Maybe he’ll learn how to deal with it when the time comes.

—

Cohabitating an apartment with someone after years of living without someone certainly calls for an adjustment period. Sure, it’s only been two weeks, and maybe Junhee is rushing the adjustment process, but buying food for two on a consistent basis and constantly wondering how the hell his cheap apartment is somehow accommodating for two fully grown men is not what Junhee wants to be worrying about. Never mind the fact that his smaller second bedroom, which was once just a storage space, has been turned into a makeshift sleeping area for Donghun until he can get on his feet.

Thankfully it seemed that Donghun didn’t have a lot of shit, so grabbing it from where he used to live took them no longer than fifteen minutes. They weren’t even interrupted by Donghun’s roommates, which was an added bonus as Junhee had a pounding headache that morning and was not willing to deal with any more bullshit from them. He doesn’t know them and yet he has a burning hatred for them. Maybe it is because of what they did to Donghun.

Sure, Junhee should be more concerned that all of his growth in moving on from falling in love with his best friend is being compromised by the ever fucked world they live in, but Donghun is still someone close to his heart. Donghun might not be the same Donghun from Junhee’s childhood memories and he might not be the best influence but Junhee is more than willing to take that chance.

He’s noticed that this new Donghun has a soft side to him. When he isn’t busy trying to look cool or impress someone, he’s soft and round almost as strange as it sounds. His appearance adjusted to the new arrangements. No longer is he wearing black leather whatever, instead its large hoodies and shirts and anything Junhee happened to wash. 

The worst part about Donghun is his on and off habit of smoking. Some days Donghun will go without any, others he’ll smoke three or four. Junhee asked him why one day and the only logical response he got was, “stressed at the moment.” Not that Junhee thinks smoking is a healthy way of coping with stress. His method isn’t exactly healthy either, mostly because he’d rather inwardly deal with it and he knows that’s not good. Yuchan said so.

Junhee hasn’t introduced Donghun to the band yet. That’s another train wreck waiting to happen, and he is not emotionally prepared for the lectures Yuchan would have lined up. 

He decides to stop laying in bed thinking about the circumstances he’s happened himself into and waits until he hears the toilet flush to get up. Donghun’s footsteps are loud and annoying, though Junhee has grown accustomed to them over the two weeks. It’s when Donghun is standing outside of his door as he opens it that surprises him the most. “Well good morning.”

“We’re out of milk.”

“Take my keys and get some. Not my fault you like cereal that much.” Junhee brushes past Donghun to get into the kitchen to make coffee. To his surprise, there’s already a cup made for him.

He eyes Donghun suspiciously, who now stands in the frame of the kitchen entrance. “Seriously, why do I have to go get milk for you? You know where the store is.”

“Don’t wanna go alone.”

Junhee is dumbfounded. This is Lee Donghun before him, acting like a complete child who is incapable of driving his own ass to the store to get milk to eat his morning bowl of cereal. He shakes his head, taking a sip from the pre-made cup of coffee. “Is there a specific reason you don’t want to go alone?”

Donghun sighs, giving Junhee the first signs of the real Donghun. “Why can’t we go together? Can’t I just go with my roommate and have it not be weird or questionable?”

Junhee raises his hands in the air. Judging from Donghun’s snort, he assumes the other imagined him waving a tiny white flag— which he definitely did when they were kids. “Well there’s nothing wrong with that, but why didn’t you just ask me?”

The other shrugs. “Figured you’d say no.”

“Let me get some different clothes on an—“ Donghun grabs him by the arm, pulling Junhee out of the kitchen. “Donghun?” Junhee attempts to get out of the other’s grip, to no avail.

“Let’s just go now.” Something is definitely wrong with this version of Donghun. “Who do we need to impress anyways?” Junhee grabs the keys from the table on his way out, smile creeping onto his face despite all attempts to make it stop. 

The trip to the store is more of an adventure than a simple “grab a thing of milk and go”. Instead Donghun drags Junhee down several aisles, just looking through what’s on the shelves and occasionally bringing up an old story about their past. Junhee isn’t sure how to feel, except that he rather enjoys seeing Donghun enjoying his time and not sulking on the couch scrolling through his Instagram endlessly.

He grabs a box of cereal and puts it into the basket that Junhee is carrying on his arm. “It’s nice to just, be yourself, you know?”

“I look like a rat at the moment, Donghun.”

Donghun shakes his head, smiling at him. “You look perfectly fine.”

“My hair hasn’t been washed and you didn’t even let me brush it.”

“Details, Junhee. You’ve always been about the details.” Junhee isn’t sure if the statement is meant to offend him, but Junhee takes offense nonetheless. Donghun puts another box of cereal in the basket, paying no mind to Junhee’s stopped-in-place stance.

“Who do you think is paying for your cereal addiction? My wallet isn’t that full.”

“You can have some too.” Junhee laughs. “What? I’m grabbing enough cereal for the both of us, so you’re also paying for your own breakfast food.”

Junhee doesn’t mind exactly, at least he gets to see this side of Donghun for once. The playful bickering ends almost as soon as it starts, nothing like their usual. Donghun doesn’t seem to take everything personally anymore. He wonders just how much influence his old band had on his character. The Donghun before him could easily pull Junhee back under if he isn’t careful enough.

Then again maybe Junhee is okay with that.

“Watch out.”

Junhee comes back to reality when Donghun pulls him out of the way of another customer. It’s in the split second that Junhee finds himself in Donghun’s arms, his hands on his waist that he realizes the reality of his life. He pushes himself away from Donghun the next moment, thrown off by the weight of the basket on his arm, and in a panicked rush he grabs onto the shelf behind them and catches his balance. Donghun just looks at him. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

Donghun leads him to the milk, and the rest of the store trip ends with Junhee paying for a slew of snacks, cereal boxes, and two things of milk. Junhee carries the bag out to the car while Donghun follows behind, and the drive back to Junhee’s (their?) place is silent and nothing like the time at the store. 

Junhee is left to put everything away. He doesn’t exactly appreciate that. After all, most of the shit is for Donghun and Donghun should be the one carrying his weight anyways. Why should Junhee deal with the groceries when they aren’t even his? Junhee doesn’t want to fight with him, though.

It surprises him when Donghun returns rather quickly to finish putting the rest of the stuff up. “Sorry about pulling you like that.” Donghun takes the milk from Junhee’s hand. “I wasn’t exactly thinking.”

“You were thinking.”

“I could’ve just pulled your arm.”

That’s right. Junhee almost forgot the little detail that Donghun pulled him by the waist, He watches Donghun put away everything else, save for grabbing himself a bowl of cereal, and pulls Junhee into the living room. “Talk to me.”

“About?”

“I know you have a lot of pent up feeling about me. Talk to me.”

“Uhh…” He sits cross legged on his side of the couch. A blanket is folded at the center, creating a barrier between the two of them. “I don’t know what to say.”

Donghun takes a spoonful of his cereal. “Okay.” Junhee isn’t sure how to read the situation. “How about I ask you questions, and you just answer them. Or not, if you don’t want to.”

“Okay.”

It takes the other a few minutes to think of a question. Junhee can’t blame him. He’d probably take a few minutes too. Finding a question to ask your ex-best friend after supposedly knowing everything about them is nerve wracking. What is he supposed to ask? Anything that comes to mind feels too invasive or too personal. What was personal, anyways? They used to share everything, is it really so different now just because they’ve spent a year apart?

“How did you meet the others?”

Well, okay. Junhee can safely say he wasn’t expecting that question. “Well it was a little over a year ago. Sehyoon had just opened his cafe a few days before I walked in, and Byeongkwan was just an employee there at the time. Yuchan eventually stumbled in and heard our cries for a pianist.”

“Did Sehyoon and Byeongkwan know what they were doing?”

“Sehyoon played the drums during high school but Byeongkwan only had dancing experience. It’s why he sings for us.”

“How do you manage without a bass player?”

Junhee looks at Donghun, who is in the middle of a mouthful of cereal and wide eyed. His hand holding the spoon trembles for a moment. It’s oddly a cute image, he almost wishes he could have captured it. “Well, it isn’t easy. We’ve been looking for a player, recently.”

“Five piece?”

“Looks like it. Byeongkwan’s kinda stubborn, but he’s good at what he does.”

Donghun hums, setting his bowl down on the table beside him. Junhee wonders what he’s thinking. He is aware Donghun is a bass player, very aware that he is currently band-less, and is ultimately aware Donghun would accept his offer if he asked. But Junhee isn’t sure if he’s ready to open that door. He’s still getting used to Donghun living with him. Still getting used to seeing Donghun in his life every day, and certainly not ready to hear what Yuchan has to say about the whole situation. “Are you still single?”

Somehow, Junhee expected this question. Granted, when they ended things Junhee was still very much in love with Donghun, and it didn’t seem like that would change at all. Even now Junhee isn’t sure if it changed. Yuchan’s tried his best to help Junhee move on, and all of the little things have helped to push the past back into the past, leaving the feelings as memories but now Junhee isn’t so sure. Donghun’s sudden everyday presence has him questioning everything once again. Maybe he’s just going through the motions of having feelings for Donghun but they aren’t actually there. “Was that too personal?”

“I’m still single.”

“Oh.” Junhee takes a sip from his cold cup of coffee, cringing at the taste, but he downs the rest as quickly as he can. He decides to shoot the question back at Donghun. “I wouldn’t call them relationships. More like, trying to figure myself out?”

“Girls?”

“And guys.”

Something clicks in Junhee. “When did you realize you liked guys?”

“I think I always have.”

“Bullshit.”

“Junhee—“

“No. You told me for years you weren’t gay. When we kissed in high school you started that and then told me to never talk about it again. I confessed my feelings to you and you told me you weren’t gay.” Donghun doesn’t answer. He doesn’t need to. “Suddenly, you join a crowd of bad people and everything’s changed?”

“I don’t talk to my parents anymore. You know I was growing distant from them.” He sits closer. “Junhee, I’m so sorry. I knew from that early, I was scared.”

“How do you think I felt?"

“I wasn’t thinking.” When he sighs he sounds exhausted, as if all his energy had been drained from the slight increase in the drama of their conversation. “I’m not trying to make you believe me.”

Junhee realizes Donghun’s crying when he finally looks him in the eye. Shakily, his hand reaches out. He’s only a few inches away from Donghun’s face, so close to wiping away the tears on his cheeks. His hand falls to his side instead. “I believe you.”

“I’m sorry for everything I said to you. I was… I was just scared of my parents. Scared of disappointing them— I don’t even talk to them anymore. They won’t pick up my calls, send me birthday cards, or anything.”

Junhee almost feels sympathy for him. He reaches out, pulling Donghun into a hug, rubbing his back. “It’s fine, Donghun. I know.”

“You didn’t deserve it.”

He continues to rub his back, fingers dipping into the curls of Donghun’s hair at the nape of his neck. Donghun doesn’t pull away or move and doesn’t hug back. He feels so fragile in his arms. It scares Junhee. Donghun used to be the stronger of the two, used to be the one comforting Junhee in his times of need. But now the roles are reversed. Junhee doesn’t mind.

He’s going to comfort his friend when he needs to.

  
  


Junhee comes home to an apartment that is clean every other day and a roommate who is excited to see him. He still hasn’t told his bandmates the change in arrangements, or even that he is talking to Donghun again in the first place. The distance between the two of them isn’t huge any longer, something about the argument they’d had the week before that set things into place for the other. Junhee has kept his distance emotionally, though sometimes late at night he wonders if he’s failed at that too.

Fragility isn’t Junhee’s favorite word, it’s just the best word to describe everything. The atmosphere of the apartment is fragile, one wrong word could set the entire place on fire. Donghun’s current state is fragile, Junhee’s too scared to say the wrong things or Donghun’s world might fall apart. So he’s opted to stay rather quiet until he can figure out the best work around, and that’s how it’s been for the past month.

“When are you going to introduce me to your band?”

Junhee is startled by the question, more so because he was sure Donghun had no intentions of wanting to meet them. Given the stories about Yuchan he’s told— mostly of the ones where he threatens to kill Donghun if he ever meets him— the question really throws him off. (He hasn’t told him the part where Yuchan was very clearly worried for Donghun’s wellbeing, and asked Junhee to reach out to him first.) Junhee brings up his own question. “Do you want to meet them?”

“Well, I hear so much about them I just… figured I should get to meet them too?”

“And you’re not scared of Yuchan.”

“You are?”

“Clearly you don’t know Yuchan.” Junhee points at Donghun accusedly, who laughs at the statement, heartwarming and comforting. It takes Junhee back to their childhood days, only momentarily. Donghun used to sneak over to watch tv with Junhee, always trying to make him laugh and most of the time it worked. Junhee sets his water on the table. “How about tomorrow?”

“Okay.” Donghun grabs his jacket. “Wanna get dinner? My treat.”

“With what money?” Junhee squints. “Did you steal from my wallet?”

“No. You’re not my only friend.”

“Get a job.”

Donghun rolls his eyes, jerking his head to the door. Junhee gives in, following Donghun out the door and to the car. The other insists on driving, and Junhee doesn’t argue with him. He gets into the passenger side without a word, tapping his fingers on the handle of the door until Donghun starts the car. “So, how has your bassist search been going?”

“We took a break from it for a moment.” Junhee checks his phone. “Byeongkwan was getting tired of it so I just called it for a few days. It’s been a week? Since we last tried to find someone.”

Junhee expects Donghun to ask to try out. He expects Donghun to point out that he is a band-less bassist. Donghun continues driving though. So Junhee lets the conversation hang in the air. He doesn’t bring up the obvious solution to their problem. The path Donghun drives feels familiar, oddly. Nothing on the way to the restaurant looks familiar. Maybe it’s a memory he doesn’t quite remember.

The restaurant is one they used to frequent in college, back when Junhee would pick Donghun up and drive him. He smiles a little, waiting until Donghun gets out of the car to get out first. “Trip down memory lane?”

“I haven’t been here since you took me last, Junhee.” Donghun holds out his hand, waving it until Junhee takes it. His body drags with Donghun’s pull, the other even holding the door open for him. It’s evident he planned everything out, given he has a reservation for the two of them.

“What were you going to do if I said no?”

“Cancelled it.”

Junhee raises an eyebrow. Donghun doesn’t elaborate further, sitting down across from Junhee and ordering their drinks for them. Nothing is different from the past. He gets water, ordering Junhee a beer and asks for a minute to look at the menu. It’s almost romantic, just the two of them. Romantically nostalgic, even. The restaurant looks almost the exact same as it did before, apart from some new seating arrangements and table tops. The menu is fancier and slightly longer, tempting Junhee to try something that he hasn’t ordered before.

He watches Donghun read through the menu himself, waiting for him to say something, or ask Junhee what he wanted. Though Donghun remains quiet. The restaurant isn’t the busiest, yet it’s not the quietest either. The two have certainly been there at its peak rush hour, waiting for almost forty minutes for food. Junhee didn’t complain then, the food is worth the wait here. Had it been any other place, he might’ve joined Donghun in walking out.

“Have you decided?”

Donghun folds his menu closed, resting his hands on top of it. “Have I decided? Hmm… not sure. I was thinking of trying one of the new things but I also want to stick to what I’ve had before? What about you.”

“I’m getting what I usually get here.”

Junhee nods. “Then I will too.”

“You can be adventurous if you want, Junhee. I’m paying tonight.”

“Can I get both?”

“Sure. I’ll try some too.”

So that’s the plan. They order their usual and the new item Junhee wants to try, and their menus are taken away. “Have you brought the others here?”

“No.” Junhee even wonders why. Maybe to keep the place to the two of them?

“I haven’t brought anyone here either. I don’t know why.”

“Maybe we subconsciously only think of each other when we think of this place.”

“Maybe.”

Junhee glances around at the other people, at various stages of their dining experience. Someone is seated across from them, behind them Junhee can tell there’s a family with a small child, and a few are just finishing up and preparing to leave. It’s strange how big the place feels to him suddenly. Where it once seemed too small to him, he’s now wishing the walls were closer to him. He prides himself in handling his anxieties better than he used to, but something about the atmosphere is making him uncomfortable. Donghun’s fingers brush over the top of his hand, startling him. “Are you anxious?”

“You still know me so well, don’t you?”

Junhee lets Donghun hold his hand, focusing on the feeling of Donghun’s thumb caressing the skin. It’s always been a method between them to calm him down. “Have you not gotten medication?”

“Nothing works.”

Nothing works except for the methods we had. Junhee doesn’t like the way he’s thinking, doesn’t like the thoughts in his head. Or maybe he does and he doesn’t want to admit to it. Either way, he lets himself be comforted the way Donghun used to do it, waits for the food by thinking only about good things. He wonders what the others will say tomorrow, when he finally introduces Donghun to them, or them to Donghun, really. He knows Yuchan will have something to say about it. Maybe he doesn’t mind that.

Their food comes relatively quickly, each plate being set down as the waiter recites the dish, smiling and excusing themselves. Donghun eyes the second plate Junhee ordered. “You gonna try it?”

“Do you want to try it first?” Junhee pushes the plate toward Donghun. Donghun pushes it back, telling him to try it first.

Junhee rather enjoys the new dish. He slides it Donghun’s way to let him try it. His reaction is almost priceless. “What made you interested in this?”

“Don’t judge my taste buds! You brought me here at peak dinner time for me.”

Donghun laughs again, shaking his head. “I’ll stick to my usual. You better eat all of that.”

Junhee does, in fact, eat all of it. Down to the last bite, and even he is impressed at his own ability. Donghun stacks the plates, eyeing him. “Do you have room for ice cream?”

“Maybe in a little bit. Could drive around?”

They get up from their table, Junhee following behind Donghun. He’s still holding onto his hand, even if it’s just the pinky. Donghun pays with actual money. Junhee’s so used to paying for the two of them that it actually surprises him to see Donghun doing it. He even gives a tip to their waiter. “Let’s go.”

Donghun pulls him by the wrist, leading him outside and to the car. “Don’t you think this is a little romantic?”

He turns around. “Romantic?”

“You know, a date.”

“The food has gotten to you, Junhee.”

But Junhee can see the subtle redness to Donghun’s cheeks, even in the sunset lighting and shadows being cast on his face. Donghun gets into the car after a moment of flustered silence, Junhee quickly following. “A drive around, you said?”

“Yeah.”

“How about the park we used to visit?”

“Are you sure this isn’t a date.”

“I will kick you out of your own car.”

  
  
  


Donghun is pacing the living room, as if meeting the rest of Junhee’s band is some kind of job interview. Really, it’s starting to piss Junhee off a little bit. His headache isn’t helping, and coming home well after midnight is just icing on the cake. It’s only eight in the morning, and if he had it his way he’d be sleeping an extra two hours. Junhee needs all of the energy he can get if he’s to actually put up with Donghun’s nerves.

He doesn’t debate who drives, taking the keys and ushering Donghun out of the door before he creates tracks on the floor from his pacing. Junhee assures him it’ll be alright. He doesn’t really believe that himself, though. The others agreed to meet at the cafe, which is closed for the day, surprisingly. Donghun stays relatively quiet during the car ride, preferring to play some game on his phone or mumbling along to the radio. 

When Junhee parks the car in front of the cafe, Donghun completely stops moving. His breathing is audible, accompanied by his chest rapidly rising and falling. Junhee’s hand rests on Donghun’s thigh. “They’re not going to kill you.”

“Judging from what you told me Yuchan thinks of me, I think he just might kill me.”

“No. There’s something I never told you about him.”

“What?”

“He asked me to check in on you at the competition. He did research into your old band and told me he found it suspicious. Wanted me to make sure you were alright.”

“Really?”

Junhee nods, getting out of the car. Hesitantly, Donghun follows. Inside the cafe await Sehyoon and Byeongkwan, engaged in some kind of bickering that Junhee doesn’t care to listen in on, and Yuchan and Junyoung playing around on what looks to be Yuchan’s laptop, judging from the decorated front. He announces their arrival, gathering the attention of the other four almost instantly, and definitely not to Donghun’s self-preservation.

“Okay everyone, be nice.” Junhee could laugh at himself. He sounds ridiculous, as if he’s scolding a group of children and not his friends. “Everyone, this is Donghun. Donghun this is Sehyoon, Byeongkwan, Yuchan, and Junyoung.”

Byeongkwan hops off the countertop, much to Sehyoon’s happiness, and introduces himself first. “We’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Not good things, I assume.”

“Eh, some good, some bad.” Byeongkwan holds out his hand, smiling a little too brightly. Donghun doesn’t seem to take notice, or at least care, shaking Byeongkwan’s hand. “You’re cuter when you aren’t decked out in leather.”

“Thank you?”

Sehyoon pulls Byeongkwan over by the waist. Junhee doesn’t miss the gesture, and definitely doesn’t miss the way Byeongkwan’s shirt tucks in at his waist. Looking at it again, Junhee is convinced the shirt belongs to Sehyoon. It’s way too big for Byeongkwan. “Don’t mind him, he’s not a fan of leather.”

“Not everyone looks good in leather!”

“Only you.”

“Exactly.” 

Donghun takes temporary shelter behind Junhee, hands wrapping around the upper part of his right arm. Yuchan is no longer seated next to Junyoung, who had also gotten up at some point. He’s holding Yuchan back by his arm. “Yuchan.”

Junhee pushes away from Donghun, standing in between the two. “Yuchan just calm down? I was hesitant to even introduce you two.”

Yuchan looks at Junhee. He feels a little studied, that perhaps Yuchan is trying to read the situation through just him. His hard expression turns soft, though Junhee knows he’s not convinced to fully stand down. Junhee really can’t blame him. He knows everything about Donghun, all the fights they had, the worst of it all. His shoulders roll back and relax, his hands fall more naturally. Junyoung lets go of his arm. “It’s nice to meet you, Donghun.” The anger in Yuchan’s voice is something Junhee’s only heard a few times.

Things settle slightly after that. They sit around at the largest table available, Byeongkwan offering up drinks for everyone and even surprising Donghun with a new mix he’s been working on. (Donghun doesn’t understand coffee that well, but he says he enjoys it. Maybe to please Byeongkwan.) Yuchan doesn’t ease up at all. His eyes are intense as ever, staring at Donghun and watching each movement he makes like a hawk. Even Junhee feels uncomfortable.

“Yuchan can you please stop staring at Donghun as if you’re planning his murder and how to get away with it?” Junhee slams his cup on the table. “I know he isn’t the nicest guy in the world—no offense— but give him a second chance? I have, at least.”

Startled, Yuchan finally moves his gaze to Junyoung’s laptop. “You know how I feel about him, Junhee.”

“Yuchan what happened to that night? You were worried he was involved with the wrong people, and you wanted me to make sure that he wasn’t.”

“I can still be cautious, right? Junhee you got maybe a few hours of sleep a night for months when I first met you. For the longest time you only talked about how you missed him, how you were all upset that you didn’t try to fight for him longer.”

Junhee wants Yuchan to shut up, just for two seconds. He wants Yuchan to keep his thoughts to himself, to realize that what he says can seriously affect Donghun. He opens his mouth to say something, but he feels that he’s said enough already. When he glances to check on Donghun, he excuses himself to the bathroom momentarily. “Yuchan, could you for once just stop trying to run my life for me?”

He follows Donghun to the bathroom, even being polite as to knock on the door before entering. Donghun is leaning over the sink, hands white knuckled over the countertop, and in the quiet atmosphere, Junhee can hear the sniffles he’s trying so hard to disguise. Junhee takes a careful step forward, waiting for a social cue. Donghun only retreats into a standing position, wiping his eyes on the corner of his hand. “Sorry, I just…”

“He’s protective. It doesn’t make it right.”

“Is he telling the truth?” Donghun gives Junhee a look that could shatter his heart if it weren’t already broken. “Did you not sleep well? Did you… did you miss me? Want me back?”

“Well… you’re my best friend Donghun.” He sighs, moving closer. Donghun doesn’t retreat back. “I didn’t sleep well for a long time. Kept thinking about you, dreaming of our memories together? It’s funny, Hun, I really thought I was over you and then you suddenly return to my life. Just like that.” Junhee laughs. “Funny how that works, right?”

Donghun shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have even come back to your life. I messed everything up.”

“You were in a dark place. I can’t blame you for that.”

“I want to make things right again.”

“Running away from what you need to hear, what I have to say, won’t make things right.”

“I know. I’m not running away anymore.”

“So stop crying.” Junhee hugs the other. He doesn’t anticipate a hug back, but Donghun’s hands wrap around his waist, head buried into his shoulder. They don’t speak, just hugging while Donghun’s tears wet the shoulder of Junhee’s shirt. He doesn’t care. He just needs to be there for him at the moment, and that’s what he wants to do.

“Will Yuchan ever like me?” The question comes when Donghun pulls back from the hug. He wipes his eyes again, hardly breaking eye contact with Junhee.

“Just show him you plan to make up for what happened.”

Donghun follows Junhee out of the bathroom after washing his face with cold water and apologizing another few times for good measure. They rejoin the others, who are occupied in something Junyoung is showing them. The softer side to Kang Yuchan is present, pressed into Junyoung’s side, arms wrapped around Junyoung’s in an attempt to keep them from being separated. With nowhere else to go, Donghun opts to sit next to Junhee.

Apart from the occasional question Byeongkwan shoots at Donghun, they talk amongst themselves. Junhee doesn’t know how exactly to include Donghun, not until he decides to bring up music. “We’re going to continue our search for another bassist tomorrow. Byeongkwan don’t groan at me, we really need to get one soon before the label gets mad at us.”

Byeongkwan rolls his eyes. “You pick them on your own.”

“We need to choose as a group. Need everyone to get along.”

“I barely get along with Sehyoon.”

“Byeongkwan you’re literally—“

“Don’t speak, Sehyoon.”

Sehyoon raises his hands defensively. Byeongkwan smiles in satisfaction that he successfully shut Sehyoon up with three measly words. “Say, aren’t you a bass player, Donghun?”

Yuchan sits up, shaking his head vigorously. He looks at Donghun as he speaks. “Absolutely not.”

“What?” Sehyoon frowns. “You always shoot down my ideas.”

Junhee places his hand on Donghun’s thigh, holding it in place from doing the bouncing thing it had previously been doing. “We will exhaust all other options before considering him.”

“When did you suddenly get the right to make a decision?”

“You said it yourself, Junhee, we need to mutually get along. I just met the dude, I don’t know who he is like now. For now we continue trying.”

  
  


Donghun is quiet the rest of the night. Junhee both knows and doesn’t know why. He’s decently sure it’s because of Yuchan, but isn’t sure why he’s staying quiet at the apartment. He doesn’t have anything to hide here, doesn’t have a reason to silent around Junhee. It isn’t like Junhee is going to judge him like that.

It’s after dinner when Junhee decides to talk to Donghun. “What’s wrong? We’re at home now, you don’t have to be quiet anymore.”

“He really doesn’t like me.”

“I’ve gone to him drunk on more than one of our important dates in childhood. May or may not have included your birthday.” Junhee rubs his back for a moment. It seems he’s been doing that often. Maybe Donghun doesn’t like it? He stops. “Give him time. Seriously.”

“You forgive too easily.”

“Yuchan’s just really stubborn.”

“If that’s what you’d like to call it.” His fingers twitch. “I really miss playing my guitar every day, you know?”

“What if I got you a job tutoring kids with me? I’m about to pick up lessons, I’m sure I can get two kids at once, give you something to do.” Junhee smiles. “Would that help?”

Donghun nods. “I really miss being in a band.”

“Your opportunity isn’t over, yet.”

“It’s starting to feel like it.”

  
  
  


Finding a bassist is as difficult as ever. Junhee is honestly just as tired of the search as Byeongkwan vocalizes he is. Yuchan and Sehyoon are about indifferent to the actual process, but no one’s particularly clicked. They’re running out of time, and going through about two dozen people feels like too much effort for something so minimal. Yuchan is stubborn about the idea of even trying Donghun for their team, even though they’re clearly nearly out of options.

“He’s living with you, too? How long?” Yuchan helps pack Junhee’s guitar.

“Almost two months now.”

“And you haven’t told me?”

“Given how you treated him a week ago, I think i reserved the full right not to tell you.” Junhee takes his guitar case from the other. “He’s been trying too hard to make it up to me, Yuchan. He’s working with the kids I tutor now, giving them lessons beside me. He treats me to dinner, cleans up the house. He apologizes way to fucking often but that’s beside the point— Just give him a chance.”

“Sounds like you’re falling in love with him again.”

“I don’t think I ever fell out of love.”

“No, I know you didn’t.”

Junhee sighs. His phone pings, ending their heated conversation rather abruptly, to his joy. He dismisses himself to go and pick up Donghun, tossing his guitar into the back seat. Donghun’s at the center that Junhee tutors at, taking up extra classes while he’s busy practicing or recording or finding their much needed bassist.

He stops at the entrance, the same place he always does. Donghun comes out a few minutes after he sends his text, opening the back door first to set his guitar in by Junhee’s, hopping into the passenger seat a second later. “How about going out to eat tonight?” Donghun smiles, holding up money he’s earned for the day. “My treat.”

“Where you thinking?” Junhee pulls out of the driveway, glancing over at Donghun.

“Take out, eat at home?” Junhee’s fine with that. “Can we invite Yuchan too?”

“Yuchan? Do you really want to bring that on yourself?”

“I want him to know I’m a better person than I used to be.”

Junhee doesn’t argue with Donghun. He doesn’t have the energy to. Donghun sends the text to Yuchan for him, and he heads his way to the other boy’s apartment. Donghun fidgets with his own phone, almost dropping it a few times. Yuchan is already waiting by the time Junhee pulls up, getting into the back of the car without a word, only slightly grumbling at the sight of Donghun. “Where would you want to eat? Rather, what would you want to eat?”

“Yuchan you got any ideas?”

“I haven’t had the good ramen in a while.”

Donghun looks at Junhee, who shrugs at him. “You said you’re paying, so. Pay up.”

Getting dinner isn’t the hard part, it's sitting at Junhee’s kitchen table and eating with Donghun and Yuchan in the same room. That's the hard part. Yuchan pretends as though Donghun isn’t even there, eating his noodles in quiet unrest. Donghun doesn’t say anything either, and once again it’s Junhee who has to get the conversation going. He sighs. “Yuchan, I really think we need to consider that we might be out of options for a bassist.”

The other stares blankly at Donghun, even blinking a few times to add to his obvious distrust of the man sitting across from him. But Yuchan knows just as well as the others that their options are pretty much just Donghun. “This is a step in the right direction?” Yuchan shrugs.

“Buying you food?” Donghun sets his utensils down.

The tension between the two somehow increases for a split second. Their eye contact makes even Junhee shiver, but also curious as to how they could have so much distrust in each other without even knowing each other well.

“I wasn’t expecting anything but then Junhee text me—“

“I invited you.”

“You did?” In one sentence, the tension in the apartment completely evaporates. Yuchan’s face softens, intense eye contact with Donghun broken as he looks briefly at Junhee, then back to the food on the table. “I just assumed Junhee did…”

“No. It was my idea to invite you for dinner.” Donghun smiles at him. “I’m really trying, Yuchan.”

“I know you are.”

  
  
  


It’s two weeks later that Donghun is offered a temporary job at the cafe. Byeongkwan is undoubtedly the reason behind it. Sehyoon doesn’t mind either. The more hands helping in their prime season, the better. Junhee drops Donghun off at the cafe when he has shift, and sometimes he’ll sit in with him, just like he’s done before.

Donghun isn’t bad at the job, really. He picked up quickly, and the customers love him. Byeongkwan is more energetic with the extra help given there is no need for him to run around all day. He can even sit down with Junhee sometimes and gossip about how good Donghun is at his job. Junhee knows this isn’t what Donghun wants to be doing though.

He still complains at home that he’d rather be playing music. Donghun still complains even after tutoring lessons, and how it’s never enough for him. He voices his desires to be practicing with a full band, wanting to make music that he can share with people and write music that he likes. Junhee feels rather bad.

Junhee wants to help him. In fact, he should be trying to get him into a band, or band practice at the least. It isn’t like the studio exactly requires any of them to make appointments to practice, just that they keep the place clean. Byeongkwan’s suggested having him practice with them on more than one occasion, and Sehyoon even agrees with him. Ever since the dinner Yuchan’s been more kind to Donghun, letting him speak without glaring at him and waiting for him to mess up. None of it matters if they can’t make music together without fighting or arguing over what to do, what should be right and what is wrong.

Junhee called for a group meeting last night. It is set for today, after the cafe closes. He’s even counting the time down on his own, watching the cafe slowly lose the afterwork rush. Donghun slows down too, probably the most anxious of the five of them.

Five. If Junhee can get the band thing to work out, it’ll be five of them. It’s the largest number out of what he’s tried before. He’s excited at the idea and entertained by the premise that Byeongkwan might not be their only singer, after all. Junhee’s been practicing, of course, but Donghun can sing. He’s always been able to, even if before he used to be too nervous to sing in front of more than Junhee. He wonders if he ever got to sing in his other band.

Sehyoon flips the sign to mark the cafe closed, asking Donghun to sweep and mop the floors before they rest for the night. Byeongkwan gets to the outside seating first, mumbling to himself about something— Junhee didn’t quite hear.

Donghun looks rather cute in an apron. Junhee’s seen it a dozen times on him, but for some reason in the early sunset lighting, it looks really good on him. His sweater is bunched up at his waist, only slightly tucked in underneath the apron front. Junhee remembers tying the strings into a cute bow for him, something Donghun did not approve of at first. Even the way he specifically styled his hair today makes Donghun look extra soft. The slight curls remind Junhee of the first time Donghun tried using the straightener, how he burned his fingers and had to ask Junhee to help him.

Junhee fans himself with the paper beside his laptop, embarrassed that he even let himself think too much on Donghun. He shouldn’t be thinking about him like this at all, yet here he is. It’s a trap, a never ending cycle. Junhee isn’t sure if he wants to break that cycle. Yuchan takes pleasure in constantly reminding Junhee that he never fell out of love with Donghun. He partially blames that on Junhee’s lack of follow through on the advice he’s given. 

“Okay, floor is mopped, tables are wiped down, chairs are put up. Now we wait.”

Byeongkwan chooses to sit in Sehyoon’s lap. Or practically in his lap, as most of his body is leaning heavily on Sehyoon. Sehyoon doesn’t move. Donghun gently folds his apron, taking the seat next to Junhee. “Donghun you look so cute in that apron and sweater.” Byeongkwan smiles. “Junhee told me earlier.”

Junhee shoves Byeongkwan further into Sehyoon lap. He wants to fan his face, or maybe even disappear into the ground below him— anything to avoid the curious gaze of Lee Donghun. Though to give himself credit, it looks like Donghun is blushing too. “He told me my curled hair was cute, too. At least that’s what he thought after he did it for me the first time.”

Oh god does Junhee want to die. They’re all teaming up on him— maybe not having Donghun in the band would be better for him. “Speaking of hair, Junhee, have you ever considered dying it.”

“He didn’t tell you?”

Byeongkwan sits up, very intrigued by the conversation Donghun opened up. “Tell us what?”

“Donghun don’t tell him, I swear—“

“He tried to bleach his hair at home when we were younger.”

Byeongkwan stares at Junhee for a good few moments, as if trying to process the information and imagine him with blond hair. Junhee remembers the time well. First he didn’t do it right, and his hair turned into a horrible yellow color, and his parents almost killed him when they found out. Donghun had been there to help him make the bad decision. In the end Junhee’s mom took him to a hairdresser to get it done properly, which didn’t look bad.

“You should dye your hair pink.”

“Pink?” Junhee shakes his head. “I’ll stick to my brown hair.”

“Boring.” Byeongkwan’s sing-song tone mocks Junhee, echoing through the rest of the cafe.

The bell rings, marking Yuchan’s arrival. He’s surprisingly alone, no Junyoung following behind him. “What’s boring?”

“Junhee won’t say yes to dying his hair pink.”

“Pink would look good on you actually.” Yuchan sets his bag down, taking the last free seat— right next to Donghun. “You called a meeting?”

“I did. Thanks for actually making it on time.” Yuchan grumbles. “Anyways. Important decision and no one can object to me this time. As the leader of this forsaken band, I am declaring that we have three practices next week with Donghun.”

Donghun is the most startled by this information, waving his hands in the air as an objection. Yuchan doesn’t say anything— maybe he’s thinking of some way to get out of it. Sehyoon and Byeongkwan just mumble small  _ finally _ ’s. Junhee waits for Yuchan or Donghun to voice their opinions before he continues, but neither of them do. So Junhee continues. “Since we do not currently have a bassist, and I have completely stopped all further search, I am using our most obvious answer. Donghun is a bandess bassist, and I think we should at least try. Any further objections?”

“I can give it a try.” Yuchan looks at Donghun. “Can’t hurt to try, right?”

“That’s the answer I was expecting from you, Yuchan. See all of you next practice. We are doing this.”

Junhee just hopes that it works out. He can’t predict the future, but he can at least control the present. That is how he has always thought.

  
  
  


The first practice is as awkward as Junhee expects it to be. Donghun isn’t quite accustomed to the practice room being filled with all of them. Yuchan does give Donghun a few strange glances, but most of it lies in the fact that they just haven’t done this yet. Junhee picks an easier song as a cover, just to ease Donghun into working with all of them.

It’s the third song in when things finally make progress. Things go really well, actually. Byeongkwan and Donghun split the song up between them during the break, offering Junhee some lines but he declines for the sake of seeing just the two working together. Something felt so right about the situation, and by the end things weren’t awkward.

Donghun packs up his guitar first, sitting down next to Junhee. His head falls on Junhee’s shoulder, an exasperated sigh signaling that he would rather like to talk. “What’s wrong, Hun?”

“Today was weird.”

“Didn’t like it?”

“No, it’s not that. I loved it actually.” He readjusts. “It just seems like maybe it isn’t meant to be? I don’t know… it seems that the beginning was super awkward, like— like I didn’t really belong here? I mean the end was fun and all, I’m glad Byeongkwan let me sing too…”

“I’m surprised you sang at all, if I’m honest.”

“Really?”

“You used to swear you’d never sing in front of anyone else but me.”

He laughs. “My old band didn’t like my singing. Or rather, they didn’t want me to sing.”

“Your singing is beautiful.”

Sehyoon and Byeongkwan say goodbye. Byeongkwan sneaks a final compliment to Donghun before Sehyoon fully drags him out of the practice room, leaving Junhee and Donghun with Yuchan. Yuchan sits next to them, leg bouncing as he finds a way to speak up. “Today was nice.”

“Was it?”

“I enjoyed practicing with you, Donghun.”

Donghun smiles. “Does this mean we can practice together more?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Yuchan smiles, patting Donghun’s thigh. “You’re pretty good, when you’re not trying so hard to be an emo leather-loving dumbass.”

“Leather is honestly really uncomfortable.”

“I am glad you came to your senses.” Yuchan stands up, stretching until his back actually pops. “Alright, Junyoung’s here to pick me up. Don’t stay in here too late.”

“Stop sounding like my mom.” Junhee groans, kicking the air because Yuchan predicted his gesture and moves out of the way.

He waves goodbye one last time, leaving it to Donghun and Junhee. They sit in the same position for a while, content in just the atmosphere built between them. Donghun yawns and mentions being tired, but has no intention of getting up to head home. Junhee almost doesn’t mind, apart from the fact that his arm is falling asleep. Though, maybe he could handle it just a little bit longer. Anything to see Donghun as calm and quiet as he is now.

He almost reads the idea of having to go home, back to avoiding each other in the narrow hallway. Junhee has always been a cuddly type, and Donghun’s only been this soft recently. He pushes Donghun off of him, promising that they could cuddle when they get home— only if Donghun wants to.

They grab their guitar cases and Junhee drives home, quiet but not awkwardly. Home is the same, a warm and inviting place for the two of them. Just a few months ago the two shared the space begrudgingly, both researching apartments for Donghun to rent, even without the money available. Now, the two walk in and fall onto the couch, naturally resting in a position where the two can easily cuddle.

Junhee knows fully he shouldn’t be allowing it. They should stick to being friends. But maybe Junhee doesn’t want that. Just maybe he wants to let himself fall back into the hole of loving Donghun, where he’s already tried to escape once and failed.

Donghun falls back into a similar position he was in at the studio. His head rests on Junhee’s shoulder, hair tickling Junhee’s neck. It’s all so familiar to the past. Junhee knows he’s in too deep, in too far and he should escape while he still has a chance. He knows, but he doesn’t want to follow the rules. “I can feel your heart beating in this position. What’s wrong?”

“I’m falling.”

Donghun grabs Junhee from behind, arms wrapping firmly around his waist. Junhee jumps, screaming just a little, turning around as best he can to glare at Donghun. “Donghun what the hell?”

“Sorry.” He lets him go. “I finished tutoring a little earlier and didn’t want to wait in the car, so I came to make sure you weren’t buying out the entire store.”

Junhee rolls his eyes, swatting the other away until he falls back a distance. “It’s just a little celebration, I don’t need the entire store to feed them.”

“Sehyoon seems to eat a lot.”

“Maybe but still not the whole store’s worth. Push the cart for me.” Junhee moves out of the way, pulling things off the shelf as he recalls his list. Donghun follows behind him.

“Who all is going to be there?”

“Us, obviously. Uh, a couple of friends, my parents…”

Donghun nods. “So it is a small celebration.”

The celebration in question is to celebrate the release of their first songs together, under the label. Junhee remembers spending almost an hour in the office room with all of them deciding on the name for them. Eventually they settled on A.C.E., and silly as it might look and sound, Junhee wouldn’t have any other name.

Yuchan has finally accepted Donghun, and has even grown to a comfortable state with him. They even went out for dinner alone the other day. Byeongkwan has given his primary singing position up to allow for Junhee and Donghun to join as well. Junhee doesn’t do it much, mostly allowing the others to shine. Everything is working out, a huge surprise (and relief) for Junhee.

Sehyoon just bought a second building for a second location, just a couple miles away from their own. He recently reached out to his family, who came to visit him a few days ago. Things feel so surreal now. Junhee isn’t sure if he’s dreaming, but he hopes that he’s not. “Junhee, you’re zoning out again.”

He stops thinking too much at that moment. Donghun smiles. “You still can’t believe the reality, can you?”

“You know, only a month ago Yuchan was still hating you.” He sets the box in his hand in the cart, shaking his head. “Now you two are getting lunches and dinners together. You found a new best friend.”

“Are we best friends?” Donghun looks at him. “You still consider me one? Even after everything?”

Are they best friends? Junhee isn’t sure what they are. He isn’t sure he could call Donghun a friend, but not for what happened. His feelings were reopened a while ago, and he surely can’t ignore them. Junhee wonders if Donghun knows about them, or recognizes them at all. A part of Junhee hopes that he does notice them, but a part of him hopes Donghun is oblivious. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”

“I hurt you.”

“I don’t dwell on the past. Come on, we’re almost done getting what we need and the party is in a couple hours.”

Donghun pushes the cart without another word. Junhee gets the rest of the shopping list (and a few extras), running everything through his head a few times just to make sure they won’t need to come back. The sacked groceries barely fit into his trunk since half of the space is taken up by a box of old shit that Junhee should go through but hasn’t yet. Donghun offers to drive again and Junhee doesn’t complain.

They’re going to have the celebration at the cafe, which is closed for the day, again. Sehyoon is allowing Junhee the use of their kitchen and utensils to make lunch, partially because he gets free food out of it all. Donghun offers up his help, which Junhee doesn’t deny. It isn’t like anything they’re making is complicated, just needs a lot of planning and making before the actual event starts.

It’s rather peaceful to be alone in the kitchen with Donghun. He can zone out and let things get done mindlessly, leaving the more focus required tasks for Donghun to complete. Slowly the group of people celebrating with them grows larger. No sign of Junhee’s parents, though. His mother told him she had a surprise for them, but never gave details.

Junhee isn’t the biggest on surprises. He doesn’t hate them, but he doesn’t like them either. He’d prefer to just know what it was. “I have everything else done, and have set stuff out, too. Do you need any more help?”

“Uh, no thanks, Donghun. Has everyone gotten here?”

“Looks like your parents still haven’t gotten here.”

Weird. Junhee definitely remembers them always being on time. Donghun rubs his back. “Don’t worry about it, okay? They’ll be here.”

He knows, but he’s still worried. Nonetheless, he takes his mind off it for a moment to greet the rest of the band. Byeongkwan’s changed his hair color to a dark brown, just for the time being. It’s still something Junhee has to get used to. “I’m so excited for this.”

“I’m just hungry.”

Sehyoon’s arm slips around Byeongkwan’s waist. He looks a little tired, in all honesty. Junhee wonders if he slept any the past few days, with trying to open the new location and getting everything set up and all. Byeongkwan tsks at Sehyoon. “All you think about is food.”

“Food and you.”

“Food and the cafe, more like.” Byeongkwan pushes him away. “But the food does look good, Junhee.”

Their attention turns to the door, where Junhee’s parents finally walk through. Junhee runs over to hug them, overwhelmed by the joy of seeing them there. He only lets go when Donghun coughs behind them. “It’s been a long time,” Junhee’s mom says. “Come here, Donghun.”

Junhee can’t help but smile, just happy to see everyone in the same room and getting along. Donghun gets into a conversation with Junhee’s parents, who explained their lateness by an attempt to get Donghun’s parents to come up as well. Unfortunately they said no at the last minute, which Junhee’s parents weren’t expecting. It’s probably best without them, anyways. Who knows what they’d say about Donghun and Junhee now.

The celebration starts almost thirty minutes late, thanks to Junyoung. However, once it begins time flies by. Junhee is no longer waiting on a clock, instead enjoying himself and watching his group have fun. Donghun actually spends a lot of time near Yuchan, just talking to each other. “Junhee, stop looking so sad and lonely. Enjoy yourself a little more.”

Sehyoon knows how to get Junhee going, shoving him toward Yuchan and Donghun. He tells him to talk. Junhee doesn’t want to talk. He’d rather be in the background, observing everyone and watching his world unify under the same thing. Donghun waves him over just as Yuchan leaves, smiling softly. “Have you thought about the future of all of this?”

Junhee shakes his head, taking a seat in the free stool next to Donghun. “I don’t think about the future.”

“You don’t change, do you?”

“You never stop changing, do you?”

Donghun laughs, shaking his head. “You got me there.”

“It feels like everyone around me has changed, you know? Everything out of my control and even in my control has changed. Yuchan used to swear that he’d kill you if he ever saw you in person, and now look at you two. Sehyoon and Byeongkwan have opened a second cafe and are living comfortably with each other. Even Junyoung’s changed, but me? I’m the same old me.”

“How so?”

“I’m the same as before we fell apart. I am just as stubborn about music as ever. I refuse to change my appearance drastically. I am bad at applying people’s advice when they give it to me. I’m still in love with my best friend—“

“You’re still in love with me?”

Junhee would blame the alcohol for his slip up, but he hasn’t had a single drop. Eye contact with Donghun becomes impossible. He shies away from his gaze, staring at anything but Donghun. He can see Donghun’s smile from the corner of his vision. He shakes his head, leaning closer to Junhee, effectively startling him. “What?”

“What do you love about me?”

“Uh…” Junhee seriously wants to melt. Oh what he would pay to never have to deal with this embarrassment again. “I don’t know, really. Everything? I-I mean besides the… you know. But like, you understand me the most? Like, I mean Yuchan understands me a lot, but you’ve known me since I was little so you really understand me. And… Donghun I really don’t know. I just… do?”

Donghun hums. His hand falls on Junhee’s arm, squeezing it for a moment, before releasing it. Junhee watches everything. Just anything to avoid eye contact. “You know, Junhee, I spent the last month trying to figure out the answer myself.”

“Of what I love about you?”

“What I love about you.” Oh. “I just… I kinda realized it a while ago. You were just working with the kids on our joint tutoring session, giving them tips and advice and you looked so happy. I wanted to protect that happiness with everything I have?”

“Donghun—“

“It’s funny. I asked Yuchan about it, fully knowing that he’d be mad at me. But he surprised me. Told me that you said the same things before? He told me to think on it for a few days? Something about making sure that I wasn’t imagining things, that what I was feeling wasn’t just a friendship thing?”

Junhee shakes his head. “I don’t understand, Donghun.”

“That’s never changed about you either.” He laughs again. “You never understand me right away. Junhee, I’ve spent the last month figuring out who I am, what I want to be to you— how I feel about you.”

“What have you learned?”

“That I’ve been lying to myself for a long time, Junhee.”

Junhee finally looks at Donghun, locking eyes with him. The world around them slows down. He even zones out the noise, everything focusing on Donghun. Donghun grabs his hands, rubbing the backs of them with his thumbs. “I’m sorry.”

“If you apologize one more time—“

“I’m sorry that it took me this long to realize that I was also in love with you.”

In all fairness, Junhee’s experiences with kissing only involve Donghun from years ago. He hasn’t tried it since, maybe some subconscious choice to wait for the right person again. He wonders if Donghun has more experience. But the clumsiness and awkward angle lends Junhee to believe that Donghun isn’t too different from him. He persists, which Junhee doesn’t object to, pulling away to kiss Junhee fully on the mouth.

Junhee’s hands let go of Donghun’s to cup his face. The reality that their friends can clearly see them if they look over only briefly crosses Junhee’s mind, too entranced in the way Donghun’s breathe tickles his upper lip. Junhee doesn’t know how to not laugh at the feeling, pulling away. Donghun follows, drawing him back in for more, teeth grazing Junhee’s bottom lip.

He’s entertained by the idea of letting this continue for hours, but he can feel the glances of the other people around them. The reality settles in and it’s made clear that he’s still very much in the cafe. Junhee’s body twists to face the table. Donghun moves to look at him, but Junhee is quicker. He leans forward until his forehead hits the table with a loud thud. He whines for a moment after, though even he is unclear if it’s from the embarrassment or the pain. Donghun laughs at his obvious misery, and when Junhee finally looks up, Donghun is right there to look at him. He smiles, god damn that smile.

“I didn’t think you’d kiss me back this time.”

“I didn’t think you had the balls to kiss me in the first place.”

Donghun pushes Junhee playfully, shaking his head. He avoids looking anywhere but in front of him or at Donghun. He’s aware that there are people waiting to ask them questions. Junhee won’t have the answers. He’s still trying to answer his own questions. “Junhee, what are we?”

“I’m trying to figure that out for myself, Donghun.”

Donghun grabs Junhee’s hand, intertwining their fingers. His grip brings Junhee closer to him. “Well, why don’t we figure it out together?”

Junhee swears he could melt in his seat. He hopes none of this is a dream. How horrible it would be if he wakes up now, to face the reality that Donghun wouldn’t be there beside him, living his dream out with him. His free fingers pinch the extra skin of his side, and when he audibly yelps, he accepts that he is, in fact, not dreaming. Donghun laughs again. A lovely sound that Junhee would want to protect for as long as he can. “Do you think you’re dreaming?”

“It doesn’t really feel real.”

“Well it is.”

He almost laughs. There’s something so childish and awkward about the air between the two. Junhee likes it, though. He grips Donghun’s hands tighter. “We don’t have to decide right away, you know.”

“I know.”

“So let’s just enjoy the rest of the celebration?”

“Okay.”


End file.
